Nurton Meets World

Stating the obvious

2011-03-12T17:02:00.004+13:00

Found this above toilet bowl in downstairs flat at our house, which plumber had started to fix but decided to leave for a few days....

My first response to this graffiti on the wall was "No Shit!", and only after did I realise the irony of my comment!

Why I love NZ

2011-01-15T19:08:00.002+13:00

Second most active volcano in the world. Me in helicopter above it. 3rd Lion Witch and Wardrobe movie filmed on same crater ring as we walked on. That just didn't happen in Surrey.

Do I need to swap my FSP (Facts Source Provider)?

2011-01-15T19:04:00.002+13:00

Am I the only person who has found in the last year that of the learned "interesting facts" I tell people, people correct me more on the ones from QI than the ones I have picked up from Wikipedia?

Is this because Wikipedia is getting better (I never found it that bad to be honest) or that in some kind of bizare BBC cost cutting measure, Alan Davis now also has to perform the role of researcher as well as panelist?

Stamping

2010-02-09T21:23:00.003+13:00

Last week I went to the post office. The lady at the counter apologised that they did not have any peel-and-stick stamps left. Fair enough.

However after then giving me the stamps I asked for she actually said... "You have to lick these, do you know how?"

UNBELIEVABLE.

Is there now a generation who have never tasted the government tinted* glue on the back of a postage stamp?

* tinted with mind control drugs - obviously

2010 - The year I will actually achieve my new year's goals!

2009-12-30T18:50:00.002+13:00

This year I will:

- Lose 40kg (it is possible!)
- Work my butt off until I deliver my project for work on time (Nov 2010).
- Get a regular hobby which isn't my job
- Tidy my office at home (its a mess already!)
- Go Skiing
- Buy a BMW M5

Trying to understand cats

2009-12-30T18:41:00.003+13:00

Whenever we have moved house in the past our cats (Mousie and Ratty) have always been completely traumatised by the whole event, which results in them:

a) hiding for at least 2 weeks
b) not speaking to us
c) barely eating
d) trying as much as they can without the use of the English language to convince us to move back to the old house.

Of course, their trip from Sydney to Auckland on one of Qantas' brand new 737-800's was by far the scariest thing they have ever done, but they survived - just. We picked them up from the airport 2 hours after arriving and took them straight to our temporary Viaduct Harbour accommodation where we would be staying for the next 5 weeks. This was a one bedroom flat on the 5th floor which both confused them in a "where the fuck does that massive corridor go" way and why can I look down on EVERYTHING. However they were a bit strange but mostly their normal selves.

Anyway, getting to my point, when we arrived in our new house 5 weeks later on Auckland's north shore, we unpacked and then brought the cats across. The same day they were sleeping on their old (trusty) couch in the new living room without a worry in the world. It seems that the horror of:

a) flying in the belly of an aeroplane, and
b) thinking they would have to spend the rest of their lives in a one bedroom box with no outdoor adventures

meant that when they were reunited with a big house contain all their old possessions, they realised that they were "home" again and instantly relaxed.

Amazing (also amazing that I have written a soppy blog post about cats!)

Another post for 2009

2009-12-25T17:24:00.004+13:00

Dear Blog...

Sorry I have been a total lazy arse when it comes to updating you. This is mainly caused by me being a lazy arse. I will do better in future..... hopefully.

Meanwhile here is a picture to keep you going. In shot are:

- Nurton
- The Auckland Harbour Bridge (a poor rip-off of the Sydney one)
- Birkenhead Ferry Wharf (where I catch my boat to work everyday)
- My blackberry (not yet addicted).

I’m Married

2009-02-11T20:22:00.001+13:00

Tell me what you want to know about being married….

New Year's "Wills" for 2008

2008-01-16T00:25:00.000+13:00

Hello dear readers.... I doubt I have any left now, but you never know.

Anyway, heaps has happened since I last updated in April 2007, including something involving a huge diamond ring and a wedding in January 2009. But that's enough excitement for now.... lets get down to the nitty-gritty - this boy needs some rules for 2008 and here is the traditional place to list them:

1.) I will not eat more than one take away or 'restaurant' meal in any 7 day period.
2.) I will fail to blog less than once per week for every week from today this year.
3.) I will attend the gym less than twice per week, every week from this day on.
4.) I will be ready to get married by December 2008.
5.) I will take Vanessa to Europe once this year.
6.) I will cycle to work at least once per fortnight.
7.) I will be a better friend.
8.) I will keep my desk tidy at home and work.
9.) I will not eat any fast food or snack from the "sweetie box" at work.
10.) I will read more books.

Lets see how many I manage this year. Last year I think I managed NONE!

Education (This post won't last forever)

2007-04-21T19:14:00.000+12:00

Right then, I've decided that I must educate the rest of you in the wonder that is Peep Show. They have just entered the 4th season this last week and of course somebody has been kind enough to put it up on Youtube... so until it gets taken down... make sweet laughter hay:-

Peep Show - Season 4 - Episode 1 - Part 1

Peep Show - Season 4 - Episode 1 - Part 2

Peep Show - Season 4 - Episode 1 - Part 3

What a superb episode! Reminds me of being back in my old Surrey manor. Which incidentally is where I am off to today (fly out of Madrid for Heathrow in 4 hours!)...

What was the best quote from this episode?... it has to be:

"I'm a mummy fu*ker.... that's literally what I am." Class!

PS: It is very annoying that while I am in Madrid, Blogger insists on changing all my language settings to Spanish. The phrase, "too clever for its own good" comes to mind! Bloody AI!

And you thought I was weird....

2007-04-19T16:32:00.000+12:00

Check this out..... clicky

And to think, I also used to be a Computer Programmer. I could have turned out like this if I hadn't escaped in time!

Last week was scare week

2007-04-04T15:00:00.000+12:00

Two very scary things happened to me last week. I'll leave you to guess which scared me more:-

1) On Monday evening I was doing some mandatory* housemate maintenance with Jo as “we” had agreed I would buy Pizza and then we would pig out and watch TV. This was my punishment for forgetting the previous Monday that I had agreed to the same thing (but with us sharing the cost of the Pizza). Ness is to blame for my forgetful state, but that is another story.

So off we drove in Marvin half way to Chatswood in search of the Pizza shop. After locating said Pizza depository we toddled back out to the car (which was parked under a tree!) climbed in, I buckled up, then Jo passed me the Pizza and then balanced some other crap on top of the box. Then just as she started to put her seat belt on she screamed and grabbed my arm. Before I had time to rebuke her, I saw what the problem was, next to her on the passenger side window, inside Marvin was Australia's largest spider. Was at least the size of my hand (well nearly). Suffice to say it was at least 300% bigger than any spider I have ever seen in real life before.

I, of course, was paralysed with fear, and at the same time quietly thanking God that it was on Jo's side of the car not mine and screaming a lot. Quick as a flash in one smooth motion Jo reached down, pulled off her laced up shoe and nearly hit the spider straight on. Unfortunately, of course, she missed and the little death bug scuttled over at the speed of light and nested itself just above the steering wheel. By this stage I was really freaking out. I had even stopped screaming. As I sat there, trapped and paralysed by fear, Jo kindly hit me and said "do something you idiot", so I replied "what?!". "Open the window and push it out with the shoe"..... well much to my amazement it worked.

Spider safely on the outside of the car we set off home and as I accelerated past a heady 40kph the little scamp went flying up and over the windscreen. Good riddens.

10 minutes later we were arriving back into our complex and I joked to Jo that it was probably still on the outside of the car wait for us to emerge so it could finish us off. So when as I reversed back into our house and Jo screamed, and grabbed my arm and said the spider was on her window, I laughed and said I wasn't that stupid. Of course you all know that actually I am that stupid and indeed the huge beast was there sitting on the outside of her window, fangs dripping with venom, knowing that one pizza would mean that we would only be able to last a maximum of 2 hours in the car before we would be forced to escape in search of more food. 5 minutes later when we lost sight of the spider we made a dash for it. To this day I still have no idea where it went. It is probably still in my car. Now, every time I drive with thongs on I am secretly terrified, the knowledge that there is a "killer" [Note: I later discovered from Jo that it was a Huntsman spiders, well most probably] in my car makes me very nervous.

2.) I came within 12 inches of being killed by a f***ing stupid idi*t mot(*er Fu*c^eR car driver. When you are doing 40kph downhill on a straight clear road with literally no obstructions, parked cars or even shadows and you are wearing your bright green (really bright - day glow) top and a car coming the other wise decides to turn right in front of you at 50kph because they are focused on the car 100m behind you and trying to nip in front of you..... you come the closest you have ever to crapping yourself. A closing speed of 90kph is scary. Very.
I have never thought I was going to die until that moment. It was bloody scary. Just managed to stay upright as I skidded and swerved around the bonnet of the offending car as it finally saw me and threw on the anchors. Of course I was too British to go back and kill or seriously maim the driver, but with the benefit of hindsight I now know that was a mistake. Suffice to say it shook me up for the rest of the day much more than I let on at the time.
I've actually already been hit by a car on the roads here, but at least that time it was 10% my fault, as I happened to look down just as the car in front hit the brakes big time, but this time I swear on my next door neighbour's cat's life that it was 100% not my fault.... and you know what that means.... delayed rage!

* Only kidding!

No more rumours..... I've had it up to here!

2007-04-03T00:05:00.000+12:00

Obviously what with Now magazine and other top gossip mags reporting on apparent events in my life I feel it is time I set the record straight.

Yes, one* of the rumours is true, I've gone and obtained myself a real life Aussie girlfriend. How exciting is that? Unbelievably (and I've already demonstrated how shallow I am by explaining this to her) she meets every one of my perfect girlfriend requirements:-

1.) Must be exceedingly** beautiful
2.) Must have been on the cast of Neighbours
3.) Must be exceedingly** sexy

OK, so she doesn't quite meet number 2 but she comes damn close as she is good friends with the Actor who used to place Mal (Susan and Karl's son). But to be honest all I ever wanted to achieve with requirement number 2 was to meet somebody who could give me "an in" with the production crew so I could show them some of my future script ideas and I think being introduced to an old star of the show could just be the subtle approach I need.

Oh and as well as meeting my three requirements, Vanessa has also got a lovely personality so I guess that's a little advantage too! She also unexplainably seems to like me too, which now I think about it is quite a bonus!

But don't worry dear readers I will ensure this new lady in my life will not stop me from blogging. In fact Vanessa is actually already a big fan of NMW, and I quote; "I really like reading your blog", so this must mean we are well suited as every other friend of mine who has ever read this blog has normally described it as a crock of shit.

Also as Bandick has already pointed out I will indeed loose all my readers if this becomes a ‘relationship’ blog, so therefore I promise normal service will be resumed from now on, but at least now you will all know who I am talking about when I refer to the mystery Vanessa.

Note: I am a little worried that my posh Prince William accent I am putting on to woo her might slip soon. Will she reject me the?... For sure, I think the answer is yes. Must get back to practising being English in front of the mirror!

* The other rumours are certainly not true!
** Does this make her sounds like a Mr Kipling cake!? I hope not, she is far classier!

Go, go, go!

2007-03-28T20:11:00.000+12:00

Two weekends ago I went on holiday. It was only a little (by Australian standards) road trip, but it was my first foray into the excitement of annual leave since starting my new job.

So bright and early at 7am on a Thursday morning I fired up Marvin and headed up to the Servo to fill him up with Super Unleaded Petrol (he is on a strict but expensive diet), oil, windscreen washer and Pringles. This in theory would get me to Canberra. It worked, by 9:30 I was in Capital city and ready to view the infamous War Museum. Unfortunately two things stood in my way, one; where the hell is the war museum? and two; said war museum only opens at 10am. Eventually after a high intensity cross examination of the tourist office staff I discovered that it was actually known as the war memorial (despite clearly being a museum not just a little statue!). After a quick walk up and down the impressive drive (see picture below) which took a little while as it is considerably longer than it looks it was 10:15 and I could enter the museum. It was very informative and very interesting, it’s hard to understand how any government could decide to send their country to war if they were made to visit places like this on a regular basis. Oh dear, just read that last bit back and I sound like a hippy. Gonzo will be very disappointed in me! Sorry! War mongering Nurton will be back shortly!

Canberra, looking away from the War Memorial.

Anyway, I can now report that Canberra was the only place that I have ever visited that was EXACTLY as I imagined it from how people had described it to me previously. From reading that statement you are right in assuming that that means it's a bit boring! Very quiet.

Anyway, another 800km later I rolled into Melbourne and successfully navigated single handed to Tony and Pauline's house, who once again were very kindly parenting me for the weekend.

Earlier in the week I happened to mention my planned GP trip to one of the principals testers in the office at work. He said that he was also going on the Sunday only with his Girlfriend, he then VERY kindly offered me his two grandstand tickets which were also valid for the Friday and Saturday. Of course I snapped up the offer and subsequently spent the rest of the weekend worried sick that I would lose his beloved (and rather expensive) tickets before I gave them back to him for Sunday! So anyway, Grandstand tickets in hand I met up with my boss (who works at the Melbourne office) and did some serious boss maintenance (read brown nosing!) and we spent Friday in the Schumacher stand watching the practice sessions and the other various events. Best of all was the speed comparison where they set off a BMW 320i road car then 40 secs later a V8 super car then 40 seconds later a BMW Sauber F1 car.... of course the idea is that they all finish at the same time, which means that being sat on the final corner in the stands is pretty damn awesome.

No only do you get a great view of the cars from the stand but also a huge big screen TV showing you the TV coverage.

A Renault F1 car passes under our noses. The noise is just incredible.

Onto the main straight.

V8 Utes. What a silly sport... huge engines, rear wheel drive, no weight over the rear end....a recipe for trouble/fun! Can you imagine what life would be like if they sold V8 utes in Milton Keynes, what with all those rain soaked roundabouts...

The atmosphere at the event was superb. Everything about it was great, including the food (lots of Bratwurst hot dogs!) and the musical entertainment. Pictured above is an Ozzie band called Wolfmother. My housemate Jo is a big fan so I thought I should take a photo to make her jealous. Note the Finnish Wolfmother fans with their flags. I have never seen a real life Finnish person before I came to the Grand Prix. Now I have seen thousand, I think they much just all spend their lives following the GP around!

On Saturday I took Pauline and Tony along with me (again using Jason's tickets to get them general admission). Pauline is a massive F1 fan but had never been to a race before, so she was absolutely stoked by the day. Tony, of course, was being grumpy about the idea of wasting a day looking at cars but was (I think) pleasantly surprised and particularly like the aerial flyover by the Aussie version of the red arrows and then a RAAF F/A-18 jet. See photo below. Above is a video that I took while we watch the Saturday qualifying. The noise of the cars breaking from 300kph+ to nearly a stop is something I will never forget, there is a lot more back firing than you can hear on the TV. Hearing the shear volume and the seeing the amazing deceleration of these cars is reason to come in itself.

A RAAF Hornet which did an amazing display of tight turns over the circuit before doing the best end I have ever seen at an air show, it just went vertical over the crowd and went straight up in the air so far that it was invisible.... now that's a cool job.

Of course by the Sunday (race day) I had given my extra tickets back to Jason, so I was just on my cheapo general admissions ticket. No problem though as once again the internet came to my rescue. About a week previously to this trip I discovered a website called Facebook which is like a cross between MySpace and friends re-united but all free without any crappy ads and good privacy. Anyway, turns out half of the people I went to school with are also registered and low and behold two of them are currently in Australia as well. So being brave I got in contact with Ed, my old GCSE geography desk buddy and extracted his Aussie mobile number. One short call and I had established that as part of his round the world hippy travelling he was currently working for an events company and his next gig was the GP. Super, so we arranged to meet up in Melbourne at the track. Above is a picture of the two of us. Note unbelievably that Ed is not burnt despite his pale skin and the incredibly strong sun shine we had that weekend. I guess he's just spent too long on too many beaches around South-East Asia that his body now thinks this amount of UV is normal!
The important thing to note about this photo is the official event staff pass that I have around my neck. This was Ed's reunion present to me, which he had "obtained" earlier in the day just for me. So thank you Ed, was super cool to feel important and know I could (in theory) go anywhere including the Pit Straight grand stands.

This final picture shows me trying to find a spot amongst the massive crowds to watch the race. I did briefly use Ed’s pass to gain access to one of the stands but it was so busy and I felt very guilty (and naughty) so I settled for watching from a grassy hill. Note bad at all although in all honesty I think watching the race is probably better done on the TV at home. But I would recommend the experience to anybody, the sound and speed of the cars is totally unbelievable. The best mix I think is to come on Friday and Saturday when the crowds are small and the tickets cheap, and get close to the cars. The race would only be really worth it if you had a big group of mates, staked out your viewing spot early and got on the cans as early as possible.

Also the drive…. Would I do it again? Yes, it was not as bad as 2000km sounds, although you really do have to stick to the silly 110kph speed limit as the cops like to hide their V8 patrol cars in every other hedge (I saw 6 over the weekend alone). Would be very pleasant if you had somebody to share the driving with.

Right then this post is now at 1500 words, far too long I know, but hopefully it goes a least some way to plugging my bloging gap.

Where has that Pom gone?

2007-03-28T19:09:00.000+12:00

Right then.... firstly apologies....I know I haven't blogged for what must be nearly two weeks now. Totally unacceptable I know. And it also means that I have failed one of my NYR&Es! How sad. However I will endeavour to try and get back on track as the reason I listed blogging twice a week as a NY's resolution was as when I look back to when I blogged regularly at university, what seemed like total crap then, now already only 2 years later gives me a wonderful collection of memories which I wish I had for all periods of my life. It also serves the additional purpose of helping friends I've left in the UK assure themselves that I am still a safe distance away and not on a plane back to blighty, which probably helps them sleep soundly at night.

I will try and get back on track ASAP. There is certainly a lot to write about. I seem to never be in Sydney at the weekends at the moment, which is probably the main reason I’ve been so slack…also there have been some other things going on which have been distracting me, in a good way….. in a very good way.

A brief piss up with some English people....arhhhh, how refreshing!

2007-03-11T17:49:00.000+13:00

Grahame, one of my old work colleges, felt guilty on Friday evening that he was coming to Sydney for the weekend but was planning on not letting me know that he was coming. Maybe he finds me tiresome; maybe he doesn't like my smell, either way I don't know. But luckily the shame wore him away and he let on that he would be coming to this fair city, and suggest that we meet up for lunch on Saturday.

His Sydney friends [Lloyd and (I presume) Mrs Lloyd], also came. They took us to a posh sailing club in Manly where we met up with some 'ladies' and slowly ate Nachos and got drunk. Was lovely. Here is the only picture that I took....

Nurton, Chalkie, and Lloyd

Was nice to catch up on some old office gossip.

Normal service has been resumed - for two days only

2007-03-04T22:41:00.000+13:00

It has been raining every day this last week which has meant no cycling to work. Interesting I have noticed that my fuel bill has gone up 20%! Which makes perfect (if slightly financially alarming) sense as I have been cycling at least one in every five working days every other week so far this year. Luckily petrol is cheaper (and as it happens more abundant) than water here in Australia. No wonder Jonny Howard has seen it fit to send FIFTY (approx) Australian soldiers to Iraq to help ensure we can continue to drive gas guzzling V8s for many years to come. Good job John!

Anyway, where was I, oh yes the weather, well luckily the weather has got back to normal over the weekend. It has been over 32oC both days which strangely feels 'normal'. When I lived in England and it reached a modest 24oC I would be sweating like a paedo whose address has just been publish on the front page of the Daily Mail. It seems my body is adjusting to this desert weather rather quicker than I was anticipating. Good news I guess.

To make up for my lack of two wheeled action this week I went for a Saturday afternoon ride (in the burning sun – a slight pommie mistake I admit now), I rode randomly, without a map, around the North shore and ended up at the bottom of a huge hill at a suburb called “Castlecrag”. Now it might be my imagination but wasn’t there a computer game in the 80’s called ‘Castlecrag’? Either way, it was a lovely place with some very posh houses. Whether the rich people choose to live there for the spectacular views or the cool address I don’t know.

Brrrrr, so cold

2007-03-04T22:37:00.000+13:00

I tried to post this on Tuesday but Blogger was having none of it. So here it is 5 days later…..

As I walked out of work on Monday evening, wearing rather more than my normal t-shirt and shorts, I was shocked to discover I was still cold. Even on the drive home I was cold. I even had to turn the car heater on (a first for Marvin).

And why am I telling you this, well the truth is that it was 21.5oC (according to Marvin's inbuilt thermometer)!! 21oC SHOULD NOT make a British citizen feel cold, let alone 21.5oC. I'm ashamed. Will the queen ever let me return? I doubt it!

Tales from Melbourne

2007-02-25T22:00:00.000+13:00

This time last week I was about to fly back from Melbourne after visiting my good friends Pauline and Tony from the UK who chose to emigrate out here at roughly the same time as myself. Tony has been largely responsible for much of the good fortune I have had with my career to date so I understand the importance of "Tony maintenance". Seriously though, in the UK he was a mentor to me in the Railway Signalling Industry and despite shouting at me a LOT in the early days he was probably the best.

Robert and Amy who also knew Tony and Pauline before Australia were also invited so about 2 hours before the sun was scheduled to rise we set off for Sydney airport in Marvin.

I won't write much about the weekend, as quite frankly I'm too tired now and also I'm sure you're not too interested but I will post some pictures.

Pauline and Tony's new house. Has a slight air of Kath and Kim to it, but lovely once you are inside.

On Saturday our hosts took us to visit the Puffing Billy steam railway which is not too far from their house in the outer east suburbs of Melbourne. I have never been on this railway before and was pleasantly surprised. As can be seen from the photo, passengers are encouraged to sit on the open sides of the carriages with their legs dangling. Of course being a safety conscious Brit (with a strong even safer Swiss genetic content) I didn't believe this would really be the case until I saw it with my own eyes and of course gave it a try for myself. I made a couple of observations regarding this practice:-

- The window sill on many of the carriages was quite narrow and despite my ample arse padding I still found it uncomfortable after about 10 minutes, but luckily the novelty blunted this pain to a large degree.

- Despite providing a bar across the window which is "supposed" to stop people from falling out, I experimented in the station and found to my alarm that I could fall out through the gap. So let me put it this way: If one Nurton can fit through a gap, at least 3 small children would have no problem slipping through the same space!

- The retaining bar across the window smacks you across the chest when the track is a "bit wobbly", I didn't notice this at the time, but the bruising I had on Monday morning more than proved it!

Overall though it really is a spectacular railway and can truly be described as 'one of a kind'. A must do if you are in Melbourne, especially the scary pub at the end of the line (filled with Biker gangs) which if you are brave enough to enquire, you will discover is hiding a splendid restaurant behind the bar which is not scary at all!

Nurton, Amy and Robert only half-literally "on board".

And finally proof that I did indeed risk my life, this is a photo you couldn't fake. Sexy pins.

Nurton, Bob and Tony in the Howker's newly paved garden. It is worrying how much Robert looks like my old school friend Tim, who is now a Monk living in (or near) Tibet. Maybe it is the lack of footwear?

It was a lovely fun and relaxing weekend. Can't wait to go back in March for the Grand Prix. I might even drive.

NYR&Es - UPDATE

2007-02-25T21:26:00.000+13:00

Well we're now nearly into March so therefore we're all now nearly 2 months through 2007, which of course more importantly means that I only have just over 10 months to go with my New Years Resolutions and Endeavours.

I won't hold you in suspense with the update, despite the NYR&Es being the subject of a NMW competition, instead I'll state it as it is (or at least how I see it) with a point-by-point update on my 10 challenges....

1) This one is probably going the worst, as I must admit I haven't done any fancy cooking this year. I have however been doing lots of simple cooking and probably on average cook enough for lunch on 4 out of 5 weekdays, meaning that the amount of money I donate to the wonderfully delicious 'Pump house cafe' in Lidcombe has substantially reduced.

2) You probably won't believe it, but I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I am achieving a 100% record on this one. Well done me! Before New Years I would visit the sweetie box at LEAST once every day. I'm glad I don't own shares in the company which administrates said Sweetie Box. Although, come to think of it, I am a little disappointed now I have realised that I don't own shares in anything. Maybe that is a NYR&E for next year...play the stock market. Sounds like mathematical fun to me!

3) Well, I probably shouldn’t' say anything here, but dear readers, I know you wouldn't forgive me if I didn't spill the gossip so, I will: I have indeed dated a girl called Anthea (twice - once officially, once not), I have pecked and been pecked by a girl called Anthea, I have been to the cinema with a girl called Anthea, I have had a mild form of a "Noelwich"(TM) with a girl called Anthea and a girl called #######, but alas I have been unable to obtain what is ultimately expected by this NYR&E. Seems now to be a lost cause, but as the old saying goes....there are plenty more Antheas in Australia.

4) Yep... my guns are flourishing.

5) Again, another surprise here. I am managing to beat my target, I often manage to cycle twice a week. Fastest time for the 23km ride (not 24 as earlier stated) is currently 58mins, which as the fastest I can manage in my 150mph Mini is 28 minutes, is not bad. I actually really enjoy the ride now, it has got to the stage where it is no longer painful.

6) I have managed no Maccas, BK, KFC, et al. But the odd take away Thai is definitely more than once a fortnight. So partial credit on this one.

7) I have purchased a GMAT textbook...too scared to read it yet....lots of complex looking numbers and unnecessarily long words.

8) I am still only average at this one. I will try harder in March.

9) This one is looking quite promising. Late last year, I was solely responsible for the technical preparation and production of a large tender, which was a little daunting as I never had any interaction with the customer when I worked for R&D in the UK. The outcome is expect soon, but lets just say...if nothing goes horribly wrong, everything should be very good. But best of all I was personally complimented by some of the high level personnel in our customer’s organisation who said ours was the best technical tender and that they particularly like the writing style!!!! Maybe I should point them to NMW if they are craving a further hit of Nurton prose?

10) Yes I am doing this, but it's still a little forced and not natural yet....give me a few more weeks and maybe things will be getting better.

So overall I must say that I am very proud of myself, I never thought I would be doing this well after two months, however ten months is a long time and I really will be proud of myself if I make half of these by that time. Maybe I should have a reward, any ideas?

Busy, busy

2007-02-16T23:18:00.000+13:00

Off to Melbourne this weekend with Robert and Amy to visit our mutual friend Tony. Have volunteered to pick them up to take them to the airport at 0445 tomorrow morning, so defo time for bed now.

I guess this means I won't make my resolution 2 posts this week.....oh no wait, I rule that this counts as a post so I will make it!

Time for a 'Top Ten'

2007-02-15T11:37:00.000+13:00

A game I always enjoyed playing when I lived with Steve-o and Chrishead in Botswana was 'Top Tens'. In that house our favourite one was always top girls (who we knew at the time). So I would love to do that but as I don't think I know 10 eligible girls here, so we'll start with something a little more grown up....

Top Ten TV Comedy shows......

1) Peep Show*

2) I'm Alan Partridge

3) Spaced

4) Black Books

5) The Simpsons

No, I really don't think anybody needs a YouTube example of this genius.

6) Coupling

7) Scrubs

8) Family Guy

9) Faulty Towers

Just imagine a man hitting a car with a bit of a tree. Funny hey?

10)'allo 'allo

Afraid I couldn't find a good 'allo 'allo clip on youtube, which maybe explains why it is at number 10. Nevertheless it's still a great comedy. Who would have though a 'little tank' could be funny?

------------------------

I feel I may have omitted something that I really should have in my top ten list. Any ideas what it is that I've forgotten?

*If you are a fan of Peep Show check out the new UK Apple Mac adverts that are done in character by Mark and Jez..... pure genius. See them here http://www.apple.com/uk/getamac/ads/

Revolution Blues

2007-02-11T02:10:00.000+13:00

Hi quick one as per,

Nurton I have succesfully purchased some gifts for both Christmas and your birthday so I have semi completed a NYR. Next step is posting them - this always seems to be where my best laid plans go askew.

What's up in this hemisphere - certainly not the temperature. Panic siezed the nation this Wednesday when a cold, powdery substance began to fall from the sky. The government immediately cranked the dial all the way from:

"What's going on? Did that ethnic fellow just do something suspicious, where's my marmite gone?"

past:

"Drink, Feck, Arse!"

to :

"Oh Lordy the world is coming to an end - I don't want to be Prime Minister any more, make Gordon do it."

Bird flu has struck Bernard Matthews (the company as far as I know Mr Matthews is enjoying a period of exceptional health). See I stop doing sudoku at Defra and the whole thing goes tits up. Amusingly our boys have decided to blame the Hungarians, top whole I say, it makes a change from the usual suspects (France, Germay, Iraq).

Enough timewasting I'm off to hunt down the nearest post office and spit at Vladmir the local Hungarian wino.

GG

Nurton's first foray into Youtube

2007-02-07T23:45:00.000+13:00

After watching the Sydney harbour ferry race on Australia day we stayed at the bank and watched as all the private boats covered the harbour. One was playing the YMCA, so we just had to join in (well some people did!)

New Years Eve 2006/2007- A plagiarised update

2007-02-07T15:41:00.000+13:00

I know that some people will not count this a "proper" post because nearly all of it is copied from somebody else’s blog. But for the purposes of the latest NMW competition, this does count as a post - why - because I make the ******* rules, OK!

The reason why I am cheating and not providing my own description of what Nurton got up to this last New Year's Eve is because I spent it with somebody else who has already blogged about it on their own blog.

It is, of course, the lovely Amy and Robert who looked after Nurton and his visiting friend, Jemma.

Here is a link to their description of the night...Note: The bit about Gillian and her friends, this was not fabricated, it really happened!

Here are some pictures they took before the fireworks, some of them staring 'Sea Captain Nurton'.

And finally here are some picture Robert took of the fireworks. Suffice to say they were the best I have ever witnessed.

It was a great night - thanks must go to the wonderful hosts. Thanks!

Australia day...you know you wanna know what it looked like...

2007-02-04T17:17:00.000+13:00

Thought I should post some pictures of the festivities from last weekend's Australia day holiday...

Looking at the harbour from the shoreline at Kirribilli, under the north end of the harbour bridge. The shear number and variety of boats out on Australia day is amazing. How they all manage to avoid colliding with each other is frankly unbelievable.

The infamous ferry race. This year it was further enhanced as Nurton provided a photo finish service. This photo shows the Aami boat winning by crossing the finish line under the bridge.

In a demonstration of our absolute love for Australia, Will and I whip out our 'guns' and even had a small tattoo* done.

* Not really, it was just a sticker, like 4 year old kids have!

Lawyers...don't they have anything better to do with their time?

2007-01-31T14:56:00.000+13:00

A couple of weeks ago I lent a DVD of 'Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy' (see pic below) to Amy who is the 'Amy' from my best Australian friends 'Amy and Robert' aka 'Robert and Amy'. If you don't know who they are then check out their new Australian blog here.

Amy is a very clever media lawyer who is currently working for one of the major TV channels in Sydney. A couple of months ago I might have accidentally had 'one of my rants' at her about how annoying it is when lawyers use words such as "erstwhile" and "therewith" as if it was their own language, knowing that nobody else (and possibly even other lawyers) really knows what these word conjunctions mean! It's almost as bad as the railways signalling industry in which I work where we have an absolute passion for acronyms [Note: Most are not strictly acronyms, but abbreviations, if you are being picky!] such as AWS, ERTMS, ETCS, TISP, TORR, HST, PSR, TSR, ATO, ATP, TPWS, AL, HR, DR, SR, TPR, TC, AC, POL, OL, etc, etc.

So anyway, having forgotten both the above mentioned incidents (the lending of the DVD and the rant), I was surprised to receive some mail this morning, especially as it arrived in a Channel 9 official envelope! Enclosed was the DVD along with a letter, I'll let you read it for yourselves (mainly because I can't be arsed to publish a recording of me reading it aloud), but suffice to say it had me in hysterics.

I guess this is proof that if Lawyers used their intellectual powers for good (e.g. comedy) and not evil (i.e. being a Lawyer), then the world could be a much funnier place.

Lack of Blog activity!

2007-01-29T00:51:00.000+13:00

Sorry children but it's just been so busy here, what with a Friday bank holiday (Australia Day), there was so much drinking to be done that I've not even switched my PC on, let alone thought about blogging. I'll make every effort to try and add some detail here about what I've been up to over the weekend but right now I need to catch up on some of the 18 hours of sleep I misplaced over the last 3 nights.

PS: On a totally unrelated topic: Why is it that most people I know can only name one, or two at the most, jokes? Why does nobody bother to remember a good joke? Did people remember more jokes in years gone by before the internet and mobile phones?

This is why I wanted to move to another culture

2007-01-29T00:46:00.000+13:00

Australia day...wow! Why don' we have an UK day back home? The atmosphere was amazing here. The best bit had to be the Sydney Ferry Race - all the state owned ferries have a race to see which is fastest! Could you imagine something like that in England? Didn't think so! In England, somebody would point out that the ferry with the best power to weight ratio will win every year and therefore it is a pointless exercise.

On Compact Kahler Manifolds with Positive Ricci Curvature

2007-01-22T11:45:00.000+13:00

Hello,

Just a quick post today, nothing hideous or perfidious but flowers are often chalmydeous and if one is fastidious one will not be insidious, odious nor Asmodeus (Jewish prince of demons).

My blog posts will rhyme a lot more now I am the proud owner of a rhyming dictionary.

What am I up too...reading the paper by Shoshichi Kobyashi on the title of this post. It is a paper that says that curved space can't contain holes (is simply connected)

Gringo Conjecture: It could be possibly to remove Kahler from the title and replace with even-dimensional (c.f. the theorem of Synge)...this is what I will be working on this week.

The French guys are hogging the bandwith here by playing a war game over the internet. Basically they mince around with guns until another player (probably a German) shoots them. Fortunately I have no treaty obligations with them and am happy to let the virtual slaughter continue for the time being. I also found out that the herbal ('erbal) tea one of them collected from his back garden and illegally smuggled into the country is actually listed as poisenous by a number of gardening books...so the new English word they learnt today was 'Fuckwit'.

Meet the family

2007-01-21T22:12:00.000+13:00

Well I might have mentioned some of these people before on NMW but I think it is now time that they show their faces.

Here's Mel, the crazy girl who agreed to let me share a house with her, a decision she's regretted ever since. Mel's my adopted Mum while I'm away from England and I in turn take the role (involuntarily) as her 'test child'.

And here is our other housemate, Jo. We got to pick her from a raft of potential applicants (much like choosing a pet) after Amanda (her predecessor) failed to return from Vietnam with enough money to pay the rent. Jo cooks cake for our birthdays, therefore we love her.

Our neighbours. The girls from across the street. Think I might be scaring them off one by one as only Bridie (far right) is remaining. I will post a picture of her replacement housemate Matt and their new (as yet unnamed) housemate as soon as I take a picture of them!

Not really family, but here is a picture from the Christmas holiday. Jo and Colin (one of my few Australian friends) on the left and George and Mrs George on the right. George used to have to sit next to me at work in the UK, but despite this still chose to come and visit me for his Christmas holidays. Evidently I must be a great person to share a cubicle with if he's come this far for a hit of Nurton company!

So Sydney then...time for some pictures you all will have seen before!

2007-01-20T21:11:00.000+13:00

I thought I should post some pictures that I took when I first arrived in Sydney, Australia seven months ago. Obviously the place is amazingly beautiful, but remember, the most amazing thing is that these photos were taken in the DEPTHS of a Sydney winter.

Of course the one "must see" in this city has to be the harbour bridge. It is as good in real life as it looks in the picture and even with travelling across it every day on the train I think it is impossible to become nonchalant with the magnificence of the engineering.

If anybody tells you that the best way to see Sydney is to get on a ferry - believe them. It's fantastic. As with the bridge, again it’s a journey you will never tire of. Here is a view of the main ferry terminal into the CBD - Circular Quay.

No pictorial diary of Sydney would be complete without a picture of the singing house.

The harbour is always alive with colour. One day I promise myself I will learn to sail.

In my opinion the best beach in Sydney - Manly.

More manly! Well I don't hear anyone complaining!

Mysterious Girl

2007-01-15T07:25:00.000+13:00

Hello,

I'm Nurton's new blog-buddy now that we've got rid of that frightful tosser Kendrick.

I am alledgedly 4.3 times as funny as Kendrick was, but also 1.06 times more racist. I can type 2.34 words a minute more than him but eat a whopping 6.7 times more Stilton over any 6 month period.

Enough stats - let me tell you all about my day:

In my spare time I am training to write childrens books. I attended today my class at the adult education center in Lambeth.

Many succesful children's books are based on an animal that somehow trancends its place in the food chain and defeats evil. I am writing "Pavel the Wonderswan" aimed at the 5-6 year old "post-teletubby, pre-HarryPotterisahugecrockofshit market" It is based on an adventure book format where the reader decides on how Pavel should act in certain situations and thus determines the story.

From Chapter 17

Well done children, you have succesfully negotiated the divorce courts. Pavel is now divorced from Mindy the Beaver and he doesn't have to pay child support for Adolf, Mertron (and Sibloh Neviny the 3rd if you agreed that Pavel and Mindy should adopt a starving African water vole in chapter 12)

What does Pavel do next?

If Pavel goes down the pub where Sharon the easy Rabbit hangs out turn to page 203
If Pavel decides to drink the contents of his cleaning cabinet turn to page 1222 (the last page)
If Pavel decides that he has been living a lie and decides to become a Cowboy turn to the chapter "BrokeBack Pavel"

I think I'm onto a winner
GG

NYRaE update!

2007-01-14T20:00:00.000+13:00

Half a month into 2007 and I think it is time for a brief update on my 10 New Years Resolutions and Endeavours

- I have not eaten from the sweetie box. I think this will be the hardest one to keep. My brain needs M&Ms to operate!
- I have cycled to work once. Bloody scary what with a few 60kph downhill section and the NSW road surfaces which can only be described as 'third world'. Will try to ride twice next week to make up for only doing it once this week.
- Had a late birthday BBQ last night and a girl called Anthea turned up - what a coincidence hey!?! I got her number - so half way there! Just gotta get myself some man courage and phone her now, although that could be tricky....rejection, rejection, rejection!!!!!
- Been exercising far too much.
- Others all going well.

Will keep the updates coming, but if you have any advice please tell!

Christmas 2006 - in the bush (well nearly)

2007-01-13T11:30:00.000+13:00

We had Christmas all planned out. We (Robert, Amy and myself) would go cycle camping in the Blue Mountains, a hilly range about 2 hours west of Sydney.

The only problem was that we hadn't planned. Nothing, not one finger was lifted by Nurton. So with 3 days to go, Amy took a look at a MAP! Well to our surprise we found that there was only ONE paved road in the mountains and that was the main trunk road, not exactly the kind of place you want to be taking a nice relaxing Christmas day ride. Also all the nice campsites were only accessible by 4X4 and we had road bikes.

So Christmas was cancelled. Cue Jo, my wonderful flatmate who phoned her parents and told them to cook for at least two extra people (i.e. me!).

Her parents live about one hour drive north of Sydney on the coast, on the bit of land opposite Palm Beach (think Home and Away). Their lovely house was set back slightly into the bush but as it was on a hill still had fab views of a harbour. Due to too many Grandchildren (not Jo's!), I was assigned to sleeping in the VW combi (read 'camper') van outside. This is freighting for two reasons: Obviously there are the snakes and spiders etc that you would expect, but there is also the other more unexpected fear of bush turkey attach. Yes.... much to my surprise, the Australian outback is inhabited by wild turkeys! Crazy but strangely apt at Christmas time.

We did two very Australian things: We cooked an entire Turkey (not wild) on a BBQ. While it was cooking and I was thinking about its inevitable raw innards I couldn't help but ask my lovely hosts where the nearest hospital was. How rude of me, especially as it turned out to be one of the tastiest turkeys I ever had! We then had carols by glow stick. They used to have carols by candle light until a few years ago when a small child dropped their candle outside the church and caused a small bush fire.

We went for a walk along the coast on Christmas day, again very Aussie. Here are some pictures.

Some very cool rock formations. Well, I think they are cool.

One Nurton complete with sun protection hat. A must for all Poms.

In the evening we went to Jo's parent’s favourite rock. (It's OK, they know they are mad for having a favourite rock.) We enjoyed beers and nuts and watched the sunset. Here are some more pictures....

From left to right - Mr Jo, Mrs Jo and Jo.

Those with a keen eye will spot the small Jurassic beast that was resting on the rock below ours.

The view South towards Palm Beach and ultimately Sydney.

Needless to say, I invited myself back for next Christmas. It was super!

So how did I get here?

2007-01-13T11:02:00.000+13:00

It's occurred to me over the last couple of weeks that there are so many untold stories of my life since I left this blog to mind itself.

So, lets take it back a bit and have a look at my favourite adventure since I left the UK for foreign shores.

I decided to take a 24 break en route to Australia in Hong Kong, firstly so that I had the chance of being on a Cathay Pacific flight as my university friend Elkie now works as a sexy air hostess for them. And secondly I didn't rate my chances of not being sent back to the UK soon for bad behaviour, so I thought I better make the most of my travels east.

Unexpectedly, I didn't just have an enjoyable day in Hong Kong, I had a truly unique experience, which was so much more than I was expecting. Here are some of the photos I took:-

From what I understand this is fairly typical now in Hong Kong. What with the Chinese factories just over the border chucking out huge amounts of pollution and the valley like location of Hong Kong, smog is now a permanent fixture on the HK skyline, however, it does add some kind of unique atmosphere to the place which is quite unlike anywhere I have ever been before.

The infamous (in HK) IFC2 tower. My wonderful guide for the day, Helena, managed to convince the anti terrorist guides at the ground floor of the tower, that I wasn't a terrorist. Amazingly (I don't know why I think amazingly) they believed her! We got the first lift to level 42 which was just before the cloud level. I did take a photo but unfortunately the ultra tinted glass meant that all that can be seen is a lovely, blurred, picture of my rather jet lagged face.

As real estate space is at an absolute premium in the centre of HK they have had to adopt a few rather radical, and many including myself would say rather foolhardy, planning methods to counteract this problem. Here we see a picture of one of HK's most import historical buildings. However it was situated bang smack in the middle of the CBD, and they couldn't have that, so they picked it up, brick by brick. Took it over a hill to the other side of the island and rebuilt it. Marvellously stupid (In my opinion!)

Another method of saving space is to make people live on top of each other. There are loads of tower blocks like this in HK and it seems impossible to count the number of apartments there are in each one, but one should note that even if you only own (or rent) 3 cubic metre of space in the world, everybody makes sure they still have enough money to buy an AC unit.
A very kind family friend of mine let me borrow her sister-in-law's apartment which was in one of these huge towers. My flat was on the 34th floor. There was only one small lift and a stair case that was also used as a storage space. Believe me when I say you don't get much sleep, jet lagged and with the knowledge that there is no real fire escape despite the fact their are a million and one people below you, each with a huge wok or burning oil. Scary! Very!

A typical street view in HK. I loved the hustle and bustle. You need a brolly though as it rains every other hour like clock work. Luckily most big shops have little machines at the entrance, where you place your soaking umbrella and it automatically covers it with a plastic bag tube. I couldn't help but think that if such a device (slightly modified) was introduced to certain Northern England cities, the rate of STDs would be sure to drop.

I love this picture. I sent it onto all the safety goons who worked in my office in the UK. They would surely go mad if they saw what goes on here!

Here we see a picture of the Cable car that they are building. From what I could understand, it doesn't actually go anywhere and it's the longest and technically most complex one in the world. When I asked why, they said, "Because we can" - fair enough!

Finally my day ended with a lovely Chinese meal with my hosts. When we exited the restaurant a huge thunder storm broke out. This picture doesn't really do it justice, but the rain was EPIC and the sound......well I've never heard anything like it, nor will I probably ever again. In short - ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!

So in conclusion - go to HK - it's great!

A sad day for British history

2007-01-04T10:06:00.000+13:00

I have just read this article (clicky) about the Little Chef chain of quality road side restaurants.

What a sad way to start the New Year. The Little Chef is a true British Institution. It might have been shit, but that's not the point. I always like the fact that their entire kitchen only consisted of deep fat fryers. Class.

As Bill Bailey once wisely said....."The little Chef's were built thousands of years ago on Ley Lines. Only in the last few hundred years did the roads come along and connect them up."

Birthday Competition!

2007-01-03T10:19:00.000+13:00

That's right, it's my birthday. Congratulation me!

I'm 24 years old, which according to one card I received this morning, is when life begins. Sounds good then! What experiences did other people have when turning 24, leave a comment and tell me!

So, Bandick has insisted for a while now that I start another competition and I've agreed to finally give in. However it may not necessarily have the same competitive edge as NMW competitions of years gone by due largely to the fact that probably only two people still read this.

Anyway, so what is it? Well Bandick suggested an idea, which I think is a good one (and most importantly means I don't need to think one up myself). So take a look at the post below (from the 1st Jan 2007) and guess how many of my NYRaE (New Year's Resolutions and Endeavours) I will succeed in achieving by 31st December 2007. You also need to successfully name one by name that I will complete and one by name that I will have failed already by the end of January.

Normal NMW rules apply.....entries in a comment....blah blah blah.

Prize: A picture of Marvin at the beach and a packet of the only true great thing that Australia produces.... Tim Tams! Yum Yum!

Merry 2007 everybody

2007-01-01T19:20:00.000+13:00

Having spent the week before Christmas drafting my New Year's Resolutions and Endeavours for 2007 instead of working, I think they are now ready for publication:

1) Learn to cook. Must learn at least 10 different complex dishes (Delia, Jamie or Rhodes).
2) Never indulge in the sweetie box at work.
3) Kiss a girl called Anthea, or similar.*
4) Gym twice a week on average over every month.
5) Cycle to work (48km round trip) one day a week on average every month.
6) No fast food. 1 take away per fortnight allowed.
7) Do GMAT test and possibly apply for MBA.
8) Always be nice to people who aren't me.
9) Get a promotion.
10) Blog at least twice a week.

* I have rather foolishly said that my housemates (both female), Jo and Mel, can be in charge of ruling how the word similar in #3 is to apply, i.e. whether it applies to the subject name or verb.

I did a list like this at the beginning of 2005 and actually managed to complete maybe 4 out of the 10, which is better than 0 out of 0!

Finally, I guess this counts for one post this week already! Woo Hoo!

OK, OK, I can't take it any longer!

2006-11-25T18:57:00.000+13:00

I've had it up to here with all your demands to see some pictures of my new life in Australia and the picture of my new car - Marvin - seems to have just exacerbated the situation.

To be honest I really don't have an excuse for not blogging, I've even uploaded a load of pictures ages ago, just been my usual lazy self and haven’t put the post up!

So where do I live now? You've all seen pictures of my lovely ex flat in the centre of Bath, and I can confirm that my new residence is indeed a polar opposite, being only 5 years old as opposed to 305 years!

Looking up my road away from the cul-de-sac.

A typical morning on the way to the station in Crows Nest.

A view of our cul-de-sac. I love it here, it's just the kind of friendly place where a high quality soap drama like Neighbours could be set.

The kitchen. Gives a feel for the inside of the house. Nice and light and airy with lots of space.

I am now officially old and responsible as I made my first white goods purchase when I moved in here! In fact I reinforced it by buying two; this lovely fridge freezer and a washing machine. I feel I might as well be married!

Next, some pics of Sydney....

Most exciting thing in the world ever

2006-11-18T21:01:00.000+13:00

Never mind moving to Australia and other boring stories like that about my life. Something far more important has just happened, which I just have to blog about....

My wonderful brand new Mini Cooper S Works - 210bhp of pure fun!

Modernism gone too far

2006-07-25T18:26:00.000+12:00

Monopoly update

Is it just me or is this plain wrong!?!

Surely they will maintain the original version so that us 'Oldies' can still get enjoyment from the game?

Look what my Nat and my Brother have gone and done.....

2006-05-10T04:04:00.000+12:00

They've just taken delivery of:

1 X Rosie Mae Florence

and

1 X Tom Issac

and both totally lovely. See some pics below.....

Uncle Noel, getting a 4 day old to mimic his facial expression. Clever baby!

Mum, Dad, Sister & Brother.

Tom spends most of his time sleeping while Rosie generally wants to eat a lot. In fact she spent most of the time while I was holding her trying to extract some semi-skimmed from my man boob (unsuccessfully, it should be noted!).

Tom though holds the record for best story yet....He farted so loud he woke himself up. Paul was quoted as saying "It was a proper man fart... I'm so proud."

So I'll leave you with this picture. All I'll say is that every Tom I knew at school was naughty and it looks like this one will be no different....

PS: They've got a blog!!! Click here!

Prescott - Sexist man in Britain? You decide

2006-05-10T04:01:00.000+12:00

Please CLICK HERE

Well, I thought it was funny. Leave a comment if you fancy prescott.

We're (I'm) off to see the (live in) Wizard of Oz (Country of Australia)

2006-04-24T05:51:00.000+12:00

Any old time readers of this blog will remember that many, many moons ago (well about 13 to be precise) I went for a job interview for a job in Australia. Well I go the job and after a lot more interviews and trying to beat some sense into bloody HR people I am going! I should be starting on the 1st of June but it will probably be a little later as I haven't got my visa yet.

So in preparation for this life changing event I am moving out of my beloved Bath flat at the end of this month. To help facilitate this, some of my dear work colleagues and friends offered to help me dispose of my wine and drinks collection. After all even I had to draw the line at shipping wine to Australia!

Here are the pictures:

Stuie tells Anna one of his "naughty" jokes.

Mark on his 7th wine, looking a little the worse than he did the 6th.

I predict a headache.

What Mark drank. Also note the table to the right of Mark which is my wonderful bespoke frosted glass desk that I "obtained" from work. You can buy it by clicking here!

Darth, the only person who can manage to look cool when hungover.

Mark and two of his bitches heading off down my road in search of a fried breakfast. We found one, but Mark couldn't eat his because he felt "a little ill".

Sometimes there is an excuse

2006-03-31T09:46:00.000+12:00

Watch out - Tit Monday's about!

2006-03-31T09:44:00.000+12:00

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At
last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24
April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is
holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps As the poet said: 'one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make'.

[Author unknown]

A few lovely ski photos

2006-03-15T07:14:00.000+13:00

As during my final two years at university I have been deprived from the exotic lifestyle I normally demand due mainly to financial reasons I have been unable to go skiing since 2003. To make up for this alarming deficit I decided I deserved to go skiing twice this year.

I went to Val D'Isere in the French alps with 8 friends from university over New Year. I can't be bothered to describe it in much detail as it was 3 months ago but here is a quick itinerary of what we did:
Drove, sideways, at 50mph on a snow covered motorway with summer tyres (well when in Italy drive Italianly). Drank a lot. Became a year older. Skied a bit. Got stuck in a 10 hour traffic jam. Spent too much.
I will try and find some pics from this holiday to put up here at some point.

A month later it was time to go on holiday again. I set off with my friend from London, Richard, and we headed to Switzerland in the hope my Uncle and Aunty who live at the foot of a mountain would be glad to see us and offer us a roof to sleep under for a week. They were!

Other than there psychotic white cat Micky we had a super time. Below are some photos:

A view from the top of the 'Flumserberg'. We had wonderful blue skies for five out of the six days that we were there, so I developed a very sexy tan by the end.

Despite the lovely weather it was still VERY cold. Photo'd is me wearing 10 layers. Although I guess the photo doesn't really show that so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Richard on a black run on the third day. Not bad for a beginner. I guess it says more about my ability as an instructor than his as a skier but I wouldn't want to detract from his achievements!

My Uncle. Who whenever he came skiing with us insisted on a drinks break at 3pm sharp. After which he would promptly fall asleep in the sun while we tried our hand at some drunk skiing. Believe me the beer-snow-mobile is a whole level of trickyness above the novice beer-scooter.

Me. Again.

A perfect kitchen

2006-03-15T07:11:00.000+13:00

Now this is my idea of what a good plummer should do.....

Clicky for a good story

British Bird Flu

2006-03-09T02:50:00.000+13:00

This was too good for me not to put it up on the blog......

Words by Darth....

"I wish he would die,
of H 5 N I,
but he won't"

=======================================================
Meanwhile on planet Nurton, a lot of exciting things have been happening. Maybe, just maybe I'll start blogging about them again. We'll see.

The first meeting of 'Friends of Nurton'

2005-12-04T23:49:00.000+13:00

The first meeting of The Friends of Nurton' took place yesterday in the Snow Lion restaurant in Mcleod Ganj India.

It went well with many "Nurton T.M." anecdotes being shared.

The friends of Nurton look to their most revered leader (the first Nurton) to announce when and where the second meeting will take place. Rumours of an Antipodean meeting are not being discounted...

One sad piece of news - my guitar passed away last night. The neck had what looked like a routine crack in it but this turned out to be inoperable - the strings snapped sometime close to midnight last night. We were nearing completion of David the Troll so here it is:

David the Troll -Pollington/Hall in loving memory of 'Rosewood Loud Series' (October 31st 2005-December 4th 2005)

Married to Edwina
For 60 years
They had their diamond last Tuesday

But he had many problems
He was a troll
What did you expect...?
Trolls have problems too

60 years of losing
Every game of Scrabble
When she beat him with her double word score

David the troll
David the troll
David the troll (He's in so much woe)
Oh no no no no

David the troll
David the troll
David the troll
David the troll

he's called David the troll....

I expect people will be quick to use (some not all) words like genius, prodigal, inspirational, crock, of and shit.

Darth 'destroyer of guitars' Kendrick

Free love on the freelove highway

2005-11-25T04:12:00.000+13:00

Hello all-bet you thought I was dead-not so. Just taken a trip to the 'dark side' as the BNP call it or India as the rest of us do.

Haven't got long just wanted to say hello and that this weeks craze has been song writing. My co-traveller and I attended a jamming session at a local cafe (Khala Nirvana) and I was encouraged to write my own material for an open mic night next Monday (I play the guitar my friend sings)

If any of you have seen the episode of Father Ted when they try to write a song for the Eurovision Song contest the last day has been a lot like that. If we get anywhere I will post the finished product we have till Monday...

So far Tim's only contribution has been a song 'David the Troll' I think he may have been accidently taken water purification tablets instead of malaria medicine-the toilet seems to be cleaner after he's used it

watch this space
DK

So....this is Bath

2005-11-03T10:20:00.000+13:00

Dear Readers

I am VERY sorry for my fecking crap blogging of late. This is due to the fact that now I am being paid to work 9-5 every weekday I feel it would be rude to spend my usual 2 hours midday typing bollocks for this page. But, I am trying to rectify this piffling performance, and here is my first attempt:

I know many of my friends who read this have already come to visit my new home in Bath but for those of you who haven't had the privilege of gracing the most amazing home in Somerset I thought I would take some photos so you can imagine you were here.....

First of all; the town:

The view from the hill above my house; just before sunset.

A posh garden in the centre of Bath that you have to pay to sit in. Chavs congregate there in the evenings taunting the Police. The good thing about Bath is that we pay so much council tax that if the Police actual catch the little fu*kers they are allowed to hang them! Great!

The views from my flat:

From our living room, looking out the back of our house. To the right (out of the shot) is Bath rugby ground.

Same shot, but on a sunny summers evening. I love living in Bath!

The view out of the front of my flat from my bed(room) window.

Inside:

Nurton's room. Note Strongbow can. Post university.... nothing changes!!!

My housemate Rob's room. Note that it is much bigger than mine but he has no stuff as he is from New Zealand. Fairness doesn't come into the equation when you are the "new" housemate. Grrr! Doesn't really bother me as my room fits all my stuff and is marginally nearer the bathroom. Marginally.

The living/dining/drawing/ironing/TV room. Since this photo was taken it has been graced with a new £30,000+ bespoke "drinks table", but that is a story for another post!

The living room from the other end. If you look hard you might be able to spot the ironing board in the background. This is a first for Nurton. Amazingly I have become strangely addicted to ironing. Am I gay?

This is where my microwave magic takes place. It is small but is actually the best kitchen I have ever used as everything is at hand when you are cooking.

That's enough photos for now. Hope you have enjoyed the photo tour.

It's been a bad week

2005-10-31T10:33:00.000+13:00

This is the best thing ever to grace frequency modulated waves. Please listen to the GREATEST RADIO SHOW EVER! I was so grateful to Paul and Nat when they introduce me to this show!

PS: I promise to write some good blog stuff soon, just too busy with work and play at the moment! Soon I will be a sad loner again and have lots of time, it's inevitable!

Joke of the month, this is the good shit!

2005-10-19T09:59:00.000+13:00

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar .
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit .......
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ......

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example . Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical toassume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Should I, or shouldn't I?

2005-10-13T10:22:00.000+13:00

I may piss off a number of my foreign readers by posting this, but I hope not. After all it is just humour.

Right-Clicky (& Save As) for Exciting Video

Escalators and old people don't mix

2005-10-06T02:28:00.000+13:00

Today on my way out of the library in Bath (which strangely, is on the first floor of a shopping mall) I ended up following a little old lady towards the escalator. As I was in no hurry to get home and continue to revise I took my time and patiently waited as she very slowly plodded towards the downwards escalator. Once on the moving stairs I thought to myself:

"Aren't escalators brilliant devices? They stop old people from holding people up by forcing them to descend/ ascend faster than there natural rate of climb. I'll just stand here and enjoy the ride not being held up because the short of walking backwards up the steps the little old lady in front of me can't go any slower!"

Of course what I had failed to take into account was the situation once we reached the bottom of the escalator. Once she had "hopped" off she stopped without warning (as all old people do from time to time) to rearrange her shopping and multiple coats that she was wearing.

"No problem, that's her right" I hear you scream. But alas you (and she) failed to realise that she was blocking the exit from the escalator which wouldn't have been a problem if I was the only person behind her but unfortunately that was not the case as there were about 10 other young to middle aged people behind me.

I of course couldn't bring myself to mow down little old Doris so I used my considerable mass to form a human road block. This cause what is known in motoring terms as a "Pile up" behind me. There was a mass of squashed and twisted youthful limbs building up behind me as they tried to queue stationary on a moving escalator (you try queuing stationary without warning on moving steps!). Inevitably a few people must have been sucked under the lip of the escalator and returned to the top with the recycled steps. Ironically for these poor young people their injuries are likely to make them as slow and as immobile as the little old lady who instigated this little event.

I (despite feeling like I had the stress of the Hover Damn on my back) came out unscathed.

Moral: Either libraries or old people are a danger to the general public’s health. Or both?

Now That's What I Call History

2005-10-05T08:42:00.000+13:00

Today children we are going to draw timelines. Timelines are used to graphically indicate historical occurrences in chronological order. Now go and draw a timeline for a significant period in history that interests you and at the end of the lesson you can show them to the rest of the class....

Noel, show the class what you have drawn: Clickly

[OK, OK, so it's not my own work. But it made me laugh!]

You'll be missed

2005-10-05T08:34:00.000+13:00

Ronnie Barker
Born: 25 September 1929, Died: 4th October 2005
Bedford, Bedfordshire, England, UK

But before we go

I hate people who drive white cars

2005-10-04T08:42:00.000+13:00

"Why?" I hear you ask. Well....

Thanks to some prick in a white car I now have some unwanted ‘White Go Faster Stripes’ on the front nearside wing of my beloved car. Wankers. I don't care that they didn't stop to bother leaving their details after all I could have got them to buy me a new wing which would cost ££££ and they might not have ££££. I wish though that they would leave a little note along the lines of:

"I AM VERY SORRY I HAVE DAMAGED YOUR CAR. THIS WAS BECAUSE I AM A SHIT DRIVER, I CAN'T PARK WITHOUT DAMAGING OTHER PEOPLE'S PROPERTY AND I AM RECKLESS BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE CONTROL AND JUDGEMENT OF MY CAR. I WILL NOW GO AND DRIVE OFF A BRIDGE TO AID THE EVOLUTION OF THE HUMAN RACE."

If only......

Weekend-o-revision

2005-10-03T10:46:00.000+13:00

I am just about to go to bed after a weekend dedicated to revision. This weekend I have been so busy revising for my exams which are NEXT Saturday that I have only managed the following distraction activities:

- Drinking a bottle and a half of wine.
- Driving for no reason over 50 miles at over 5000rpm [Note: before activity above!]
- Watched ‘Arlington Road’ (starring Tim Robbins) on DVD; good film.
- Watched an entire series of ‘Black Books’ on DVD.
- Watched an entire series of ‘Peep Show’ on DVD with the commentary on.
- Talked to my housemate Rob about rugby and New Zealand.
- Watched the MotoGP in memory of my ex-houesmate Phil.
- Watch the BTCC on Sunday afternoon even though it is deadly boring.
- Went to McDonalds for Sunday lunch! Yes I'm that cultured! Could only afford a hamburger on its own as I have got my finances a “bit” wrong this month.
- Spent Saturday eating cheese, Pringles and French bread.
- Drank 4 litres of coke
- Ironed 6 shirts
- Did 3 loads of washing
- Did the bins
- Did the washing up
- Joined an internet chat group for the first time in my life. It was shit, they were all speaking a different language and a disturbing number of men wanted to have "cyber" with me. Arghh!
- I resigned my membership of an internet chat group for the first time in my life.
- Watched 'Layer Cake' on DVD.
- Finally got round to reading the last 70 pages of 'All quiet on the Western Front'
- Went to the gym.
- Spent 3 hours on ebay looking at things I can’t afford. Namely, cars.

So I guess you could say that now I am really in the shit (regarding my exams) and you'd probably be right. I'm taking Wed - Fri off work to do some much needed last minute revision. So far I know 1.5 modules worth of information. I am doing 4 modules worth of exams so still have a lot to learn. Oh dear. At least as they are four 90 minute exams all back to back it will be over quickly and painlessly when it happens.

My favourite joke so far this week is........

2005-09-29T03:21:00.000+12:00

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed by a car bomb in Iraq'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the president sits, head in hands

Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

"How many is a Brazillion ??"

I don't believe you.....

2005-09-28T23:30:00.000+12:00

This story seemed like an all too real warning to me when I read it today. As well as being very amusing at the same time!

I don't believe the guy for one minute when he says:

"I cannot remember how I passed out on the street." - Oh how many times I have tried to claim the same thing!

Ha ha ha!

You try to help somebody but they just throw it straight back in your face!

2005-09-26T03:09:00.000+12:00

Today while standing in HMV trying to decide which DVD to purchase to use as my revision distraction activity I overhear this conversation (a conversation happening just behind me):

[Note: This is a absolutely accurate account of what was said.]

Lady, customer (~35 years old): Excuse me
HMV Shop Assistant(HSA): Yes, how can I help?
Lady: I was wondering; are the music video DVDs part of the sale?
HSA: Er, no sorry madam but they are over there *points* and they are not included in our end of summer sale. Was there anything you are looking for that I can help you find?
*I turn around at this moment to look at the next shelf, by doing this I am facing the lady*
Lady: Yes, actually I am looking for a Will Young video
Me: *totally reflex reactionary comment* What the hell for?
Lady: Excuse me, were you talking to me?
Me: Er.... no.... um.... sorry *exits stage left, fast*
Lady to HSA: How rude.

I can't believe I actually said that out loud. I guess it is only fair as it would have been rather rude to not give her a hint that her taste sucks.

One of those days

2005-09-25T06:16:00.000+12:00

Saturdays are supposed to be fun. Saturdays normally are fun. But not Saturdays that are devoted to revision. They are decidedly not fun.

Today despite not doing anything else I have failed spectacularly to do any revision whatsoever. I have a few excuses for this:

- After 5 days of revision, I am bored with revision.
- Yesterday after returning to Bath after a week at my parents (that's another dreadful story in itself!) I purchased two DVDs; Black Books Series 3 and Peep Show Series 1. I have watch both of them entirely in the last 24 hours. Peep show was better although they are two very different types of comedy.
- I have spent much of the afternoon writing replies to personnel letters that people have sent me in the last few months that I have so far failed to respond to (all of them!).
- I drank 2 litres of coke yesterday and now I have caffeine withdrawal!
- I am still a little hung-over after a trip to London on Thursday evening with Kat to go and see a film. Unfortunately the cinema never materialised but maybe bottles of wine did. Much fun with some rather enthusiastic drinking, but I am paying the price now!
- I fear going back to work on Monday. I have got used to not being awoken my alarm clock every morning.

Other bad/worrying things to happen today:

I caught one of the other flat owners in my block moving my post from our flat's pigeon hole to the "return to senders" pigeon hole. He said "Oh I thought you didn't live here anymore!". Two things:
1.) I've only just moved in!!!!
2.) We can sort our own junk mail thanks! Now can I please have back my car insurance documentation letter please?

I washed my bedding today but while standing on my bed on one leg dancing like I am doing some kind of Mexican dance while trying to get the duvet inside its cover, I accidentally knock the lamp shade hanging from my ceiling with one of my madly moving arms. This then helpfully deposits about 300 years dust which has collected inside the shade, straight onto my newly cleaned sheets. Bollocks.

Had soup, cheese, prawn crackers and bbq sauce for lunch.

Borange.... update

2005-09-24T23:39:00.000+12:00

So dear readers, many of you have asked me what was the fate of 'borange'? Well those of you who give a shit will be pleased to see that urbandictionary.com has added 'Borange' to their dictionary. In fact they have about 50 definitions for the word but ours is ranked 24.

Now you must visit the site and vote it up the listings!

Click here!

But did he get the job?

2005-09-18T01:15:00.000+12:00

Nat forwarded this to me today:

Clicky

Dear God, please take note

2005-09-16T04:35:00.000+12:00

As an engineer I spend much of my day writing observations and change requests because there is something wrong with the product I am involved in engineering/validating. Therefore I feel compelled to comment on something that pissed me off today about physics.

Although physics in the majority of applications is a decidedly clever beast it does have one rather annoying feature which would be good to have removed:

When I stick my finger in my pint glass to remove a spec of unidentified something that is floating in my precious beer, I always manage to successful corner the offending spec against the side of the glass. BUT every time just as I go in for the kill and try to press it up against the side of the glass so I can pull it out, the little bastard slips around my finger into an ocean of un-patrolled beer. Damn fluid dynamics!

Today was pretty shit until 4:30pm

2005-09-15T09:34:00.000+12:00

First mistake of the day:

I adhere to my alarm clocks first alert which is set at a rather 'comical' 6:30am, normally I ‘snooze’ for a time period measured in hours after this alert but today I have a stupid ambition to arrive at work early.

Second mistake:

I feel all domestic before I have even had my breakfast and decide to unload the washing machine. Meanwhile the washing machine has decided to stall mid cycle but not bother with unnecessary task of locking the front loading door. Cue, one very full washing machine's worth of water flooding my kitchen floor.

Third mistake of the day:

In my hast to vacate my flat and get to work early I decide that it would be quicker if I didn't bother to pick up my keys on the way out. I am correct (it was quicker) but of course the reality of this time saving measure mixed with the geographical location of my flat mate (Croatia); is that I am screwed.

Fourth mistake of the day:

Last week we got a letter from our letting agent detailing their new address. I had not taken the time to copy this address into my diary and thus had no idea where their offices might be.

................

So I spent an hour waiting outside the old offices of my letting agents until somebody from the shop next door turned up and I interrogated them until they divulged the location of their new offices. I walked back across to the other side of Bath. I waited a further 20 minutes for my letting agents to open and only then did I finally get the spare keys.

Fifth mistake of the day:

By going through this process with my letting agent I discovered that she was quite happy to hand over the keys to my flat without asking me my name or for any ID. How am I ever going to get to sleep now, or leave my precious CD collection knowing that any fu*ker can get easy access to them!?!

Sixth mistake of the day:

I have an all day project meeting. Not really a mistake, but it was another bad point to my day. On the positive side, I can remember all but one of the presentations. Not bad at all compared to the 'lost day' of spring 2002.

=================================

4:30pm

Meeting has finished and things take a turn for the better. As we were in a conference room in a hotel in the centre of Chippenham I nipped into the post office which is just across the road before going back to the office. I had with me two boring bits of paper with me:

1 Insurance certificate for 1965 Triumph Herald
1 V5 document for a 1965 Triumph Herald

and one of the rarest pieces of paper known to man:

1 MOT (PASS) certificate for a 1963 Triumph Herald!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now as the Herald had been declared SORN (Statutory Off Road Notice) since spring this year I was expecting to spend the next three weeks looked in the basement of the post office filling out incomprehensible DVLA documents under the watchful eye of somebody called Helga, before they would issue me with a road tax disc. What actually happened couldn't have been more different, the lady looked at my treasured bits of paper, smiled, produced a new disc, wrote my registration on it, stamped it, and passed to me. Maybe because it is free, the post office sees no need for stupid forms as they are not getting any money to 'administer' the process???!!!??

Noel 1 -- Stupid Bureaucrats 0

Ashamed, not me

2005-09-04T08:50:00.000+12:00

I used to find when I was living with my parents and somebody asked me for my address, there would occasionally be an awkward pause after I had told them the name of the village I lived in (New Haw), often followed by a question along the lines "How do you spell 'Haw', with a 'W'!?!?” Well today while trawling through the infinite encyclopaedia of people who have it worse than you (aka 'The Internet'), I found this:

'Stop stealing our F**king signs'

Which makes 'New Haw' sound almost holy. I would love to meet a Mr. or Mrs. F. I don't think I would stop giggling for a good month after I'd met them!

That's a negative ghostrider, the pattern is full

2005-09-01T00:15:00.000+12:00

Last weekend I had a rather interesting 3 days considering that I was at work rather than having fun like everybody else on a bank holiday weekend.

I was working on site having been sub contracted out by my company to help one of our rivals with a major re-signalling commissioning. This is a nice situation to be in, because you know that if the job overruns and the railway is not given back to the operator on time for the morning rush hour on the Tuesday then its not a big deal because it's not your company who will have to foot the bill!* I can't say I worked any less hard than normal, just that there was no stress when one sensed that things were going a little tits up!

We were put up for the weekend in a hotel in Gatwick's North terminal. Unfortunately as it wasn't exactly the most expensive hotel in the world, there was no AC. This meant that I had to leave my window open over night so that I didn't cook in my own juices.** The up side to having my window open was that I was woken up by the sounds of jets taxiing past my window, spooling up there massive engines and accelerating down the runway. The first morning in a slumber confused state I momentarily thought I was on the set of the introduction scenes from the film Top Gun. By the 4th night I had an overwhelming urge to go and purchase myself a Harold Faltermeyer CD so that I could play it in the background to complete the experience.

Saturday was spent mainly waiting around for the civil engineers to construct and erect the equipment that I was supposed to be testing. I feel I may have abused my responsibilities of being a team leader when I sent one of the guys working for me to the local newsagents to get me a copy of The Times so I could do the Su Doku.

Samurai SuDoku in 29 minutes flat, fastest yet!

The other guys on my team called me a “posh nerd” for reading The Times so we agreed to swap and I read the Sun and the Daily Fascist while they were pleasantly surprised at the readability of a "heavy" newspaper. I meanwhile secretly enjoyed certain aspects of The Sun that are not featured in such publications as The Times.

On Sunday the weather was unusually hot for this time of year but I spent most of the day in an Air Conditioned equipment room wishing I was out trackside frolicking in the sun. On Monday my wish was granted as I was given a work pack that would entail my walking from Horsham to Billingshurst, a distance of about 10 miles. The weather was even hotter and the sky was even bluer. Within a mile I realise that this might not be such a perfect day as I had no access to any sun cream or any protection for my head or back of my neck, that were consequently getting a complete roasting from the sun. I spent the whole day literally feeling the skin on my neck getting burnt, but being able to do nothing about it. Needless to say Tuesday was a day where I would have quite happily traded my agonising pain for the relative comfort of child birth at the first opportunity. It's OK'ish now but I still can't do my collar up.

*As seen on News24 yesterday morning, Horsham station was not open until 8.30am, 4.5 hours late, causing major disruption.
** I've just read that sentence back to myself and think in retrospect I shouldn't have worded "getting hot" in such a way, but what can you do!?!

I want to blog honest

2005-08-25T07:21:00.000+12:00

Today I have been off work ill as it feels like there are a thousand little ninjas with a thousand little (but very sharp) swords having a little altercation with my inside lining of my throat. In a word, it's "painful", in two/three words it's "very f*cking painful".

I have consumed my body weight in Strepsils Extras (Blackcurrant Lozenges), which has helped a lot. In fact I think I might have slightly overdosed as I am feeling almost euphoric this evening despite being stuck in my flat all day watching the monsoon from my window.

Unfortunately I have been a bit (well very) rubbish at writing on my blog lately and for that I apologise. There is no excuse.

I find with working full time, which is 100% more "time" than I was at university, means that I am just too tired or lazy to blog in the evening. As soon as my weekends become a little more boring I'm sure that I'll be able to catch up on some of the things that have happened to me lately. Maybe you can vote (by leaving comments) as to which story you want to hear first:

- Kat's birthday in London (posh bars, youth hostels, running, dumpsters, drinking, irresponsibility, Darth, clubs, my friend Richard and The Royal Opera house)
- My new flat (Bath, yuppies, kiwis, rugby, bridges with shops on, double beds, Ikea, Bristol, bargains)
- Darthy visits Bath (drinking, maps, misdirection, Wells cathedral, Glastonbury, drinking, complex sofabeds, degrees)
- My new job (pay wonderful pay, site working, dressing smart, the washable suit, exams, the return of stress, bicycles, commuting, ironing, WWII French army trucks, respect, pissing off your boss)
- Katrina visits Bath (drinking, eating, horses, getting lost, late trains, perfect pubs, suicidal dogs, a place called Bradford-on-Avon, my cooking, idyllic Cotswold's villages, drinking, posh city parks)
- Bob visits Bath/ Bob visits the United Kingdom (Nepalese food, drinking, Triumph Heralds, bikes, lonely planet guide books, Iran, Sydney, and 13th century manor houses with a moat!)

So let me know which you want to hear about in detail and I'll do my best to satisfy your desires dear readers.

Correction

2005-08-18T23:21:00.000+12:00

I was reading this article on the BBC news website which is apparently written by a professor.

Here is the single most important fact about MEDIA STUDIES.....

THE STUPID* PEOPLE AT SCHOOL DO MEDIA STUDIES.

Now you can argue that it is not easy and that it is just as difficult as other A-levels but anybody who has been through the education system in this country at circa the same time as me will know that the only kids that took Media Studies where the ones who either couldn't spell their own surname or who had a record of "thumping" teachers, or both!**

Please Mr Blair, when will there be a national announcement detailing "Proper A-Levels" and "Crap A-levels".***

* Please replace the word "Stupid" with whatever your country's politically correct word/phrase with the same meaning is.
** Or who wrote sentences that were too long with bad grammar!
*** If there was such as list for degrees, computer science would certainly be in the later category I am afraid to admit.

These lonesom' blues

2005-08-18T23:06:00.000+12:00

A rare lunch hour post from me. I write having tried for 2 days to come up with a pilot episode for the sitcom provisionally titled "We were students." Everything I can think off leads me to the filth that is "Two pints of larger and a packet of crisps."

The problem is the angst I have about being a student. I feel flattered overly by my grades and from the sounds of it I am not the only one who should be feeling this. Everyone I know has achieved beyond their expectations. Do I know some really clever people? Am I really clever...? No! We are all being lied to by the system in which it is hard to fail. I don't think a first class degree has ever meant less and it is time to address this.

Firstly by changing the title of the sitcom from "we are students" to "we are stupid"

stop feeling smug everone we have wasted our youth.

Questionable cult status?

2005-08-18T06:09:00.000+12:00

Many people including myself consider this website to have a cult following among the mid-aged populations of many countries across the world.

Now, anybody who reads this blog regularly will know that I trust The Times newspaper as a wholly accurate source of information (and judge of Su Doku ability for that matter). Therefore I'm sure you can understand my shock while reading an article about the unbelievably rubbish sitcom, 'The Last of the Summers Wine' today, which stated that apparently it has "Cult Status" in the USA.

Can this possibly be true? Surely it can't, after all my parents like TLOTSM!!!!

A blog post for blokes to read

2005-08-17T09:09:00.000+12:00

On my way home from work today I was sitting opposite a women. Nothing very exciting or out of the ordinary there, but when I noticed what she was reading my brain switched on for the first time that day! She was reading a publication called 'Lingerie Buyer' for which the front cover assured me that it was; 'The Industries Essential Business Title'.

Think about this boys, imagine having a job where you get paid to read a publication like that!

This month’s edition contained informative articles on such subjects as:

- Why seamless products could take the UK by storm
- Harrogate Lingerie & Swimwear Exhibition

so it's not just all nice pictures. It's educational!

I wanted to break the "commuter law" (which states “No rush hour rail traveler may communicate with any other traveler unless he/she has seen the person in question everyday for 2 years and there is something very important to talk about such as the train being late again”) and ask her some questions about how to get into the industry. I wasn't thinking straight though and could only think of questions like:

"Do you ever tire of looking at picture of sexy women?"
"Are there any opportunities in your HR department?"
"Did you know that engineering and bra design have a lot more in common than most people would suspect."
"Can I read that"

In the end though I didn't say anything and just got off the train safe in the knowledge that should I ever get bored with my job that there was something else out there for me. I can dream!

Some very exciting news

2005-08-16T08:54:00.000+12:00

Dear Readers,

Please brace yourself for some of the most important and exciting news to grace this webpage since its conception.....

I HAVE QUALIFIED for the FINALS of the TIMES NATION SU DOKU COMPETITION to be held at the Cheltenham Literature Festival as presided over by Carol Vorderman!!!

Only 200ish people from the entire country are invited.

So this means, I could become the;

TIMES NATIONAL SU DOKU CHAMPION

How exciting is that?!?

Lunchtime quiz

2005-08-11T00:42:00.000+12:00

As I have now been adopted as a "proper" employee in my office, I now am invited to partake in the lunchtime quiz that a few of the guys do everyday in the canteen after lunch. One of the answers (given tongue in cheek) to the question:

Which period came after the Triassic Period?

was:

The Quadratic Period.

Made me laugh.

BAWIRA Update

2005-08-10T10:33:00.000+12:00

Somebody asked me lately how the book group was going. Well all the members have finished reading the first book and are currently posting their comments. Darth as the second member to join will choose the next book to be read. I can't wait.

But we do have a problem. Our membership is currently only 2, which when you ignore the 'President' and 'Director Of Group Mathematical Activity (DOGMA)' is reduced to a rather feeble ZERO.

So we need YOU!!!! Please join. The more members there are the more fun the group will become. Remember, you don't have to live in Bath or Woodham to join, you don’t have to read or comment on every book and you don’t have to know what you are talking about (I don’t!). All you need is a passing interest in reading and an opinion. So please JOIN US, it is very lonely at the moment!

Click here to visit the site and join up!

Nurton's Estate Agent Resource (NEAR)

2005-08-10T10:08:00.000+12:00

My little brother is selling his house in Bracknell. I was horrified when he told me how much they were thinking of spending on there next property. It was a sum of money nearly in the same order of magnitude as the average American graduate’s student debt and that's a LOT of money!!!

Anyway being the total techno-nerd that he is, he is advertising on the internet rather than the more traditional shop window. Here is his webvert. I particularly liked the virtual tour feature which is rather neat. So if you have a burning desire to buy a house in Bracknell (coincidently, very near to where my friend Leon from university lives!) then you know where to go. I must say that they have done a lovely job of the garden and kitchen since I last visited. Very dapper!

www.iamafriad.com

2005-08-09T10:15:00.000+12:00

Well, I am just about to go to bed but I have to just note what happened to me today after work on my way to the gym.

I now live in central Bath which is full of many different ethic groups of which all who are not British Caucasian are tourists without hardly any exceptions. This is a little sad as I thought only Exeter was the only place in the UK to be so culturally dull as to have a coloured population you could count using the fingers on one hand.

Anyway, I hope this explains why I was a little taken aback by what I saw on my way to the gym. My route takes me along the tow path of the river Avon and I cut over one of the flood control banks to cut off a corner. As I walk up the bank I was confronted on the grass in front of me by 3 large very full rucksacks laying on the ground. Behind each on is a mid twenties aged male on his knees facing east praying in the style I have seen Muslims pray in mosques on the TV. One of them was of North African origin while another was clearly Middle Eastern and I didn't get a good look at the final one. It was a completely out of place thing to be doing in the middle of a dirt track in the woods behind a sports centre. Now I am sure that these men just fancied some fresh air pray (to which they are certainly entitled) but you couldn't have chosen 3 men who looked more like the 21/7 bombers and they seemed rather obsessed with their rucksacks (they kept moving them between prayers). I walked on by but stopped, thought for a while and decided that it was my public duty to phone the police. Which I did, they were very nice and seemed very interested and said they would send somebody down. I felt like I was targeting the men just because of their religion and looks, but to be honest the more I think about it the more I have come to the conclusion that if they were (by a very small chance) suicide bombers with rucksacks full of explosives and I had done nothing then I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.

So this one is over to you guys: I would really appreciate your comments. What would you have done in the situation? Was I wrong? Am I becoming terrified by terrorists? Please comment....

3 most scary cars on the roads of Britain.....

2005-08-09T10:07:00.000+12:00

3 Very Scary Things

- The sight of one of these in your mirror at coincidently the same time you were trying to discover the top speed of your car on the motorway for "research" purposes. That was a little scary.

- Then Lotus made this

The craziest car in British car history. Even now despite being based on a GM car they still change hands for 20-30 grand each, despite the fact they are 15 years old. You could buy a Ferrari Testarossa on Ebay for that money!

- But now there is a new king of the roads. A car so scary that it makes the Child Catcher from ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ look like Marry Poppins. This is Darth's new battle cruiser:

Be afraid, be very afraid. Forget the death star this is the ‘death car’. He has never driven an automatic before and says that the transition from Ford Fiesta 4 speed manual to Vauxhall Carlton has been "interesting" for him and plain horrific for other road users in Surrey.

So all this talk of new cars makes me think that maybe I need a new car. After all I have had the V6 for nearly half a year now and I fancy a change. I like the look of a BMW 735i V8 1998/9 ~100000 miles satnav, leather, TV, phone, all the toys etc ~£4000 on ebay. I'll look like a drug dealer, which can only help me in my quest to look "dangerous". If I can deal with the 23mpg fuel economy it could be a good car to run until I leave for Oz. Watch this space!

I'm back (once again)

2005-08-09T06:30:00.000+12:00

BT has finally enabled my ADSL connection so now I am back online. Add to that, that I have another set of exams coming up in October (professional this time) which as anybody who reads this blog will know means that I will be blogging lots, as blogging is my distraction activity (and it worked well for my degree!)

Bit busy tonight, but trust me, soon I will be back in the flow.

Nurton.

I like driving in my car

2005-07-30T21:29:00.000+12:00

One of things that gets on my tits more than almost anything else when I am driving is being tail gaited by tossers who have an unhealthy affection for the arse end of my car. So I was delighted the other day when I discovered a way to get these boot parasites off my case. Here follows a simple to follow set of instructions detailing how you too can implement Nurton’s Anti Wanker-mobile Strategy (NAWS) the next time you are on a motorway:

- Check that you are driving on a nice summer’s evening
- Ensure that the target automobile has a sun roof which is in the OPEN position
- Make sure that the car you are driving has ineffective windscreen washer jets that squirt more water over the roof of your car than at the windscreen itself
- Be sure to buy Halford’s budget screen-wash (£5 for 5 litres!) which due to it’s cheapo ingredients smells worse than Darth’s bathroom the morning after ‘curry night’
- Wait for ‘twat man’ to get particularly close to your car’s rear bumper and check that you are travelling at exactly 79.5mph
- Make sure you close your own sun roof and all car windows
- FIRE! [aka Operate the windscreen washer (normally the RH stalk on the steering column)]
- Watch in your rear-view mirror as twat man’s blonde girlfriend gets covered in smelly screen wash and proceeds to start beating twat man in a blind rage that her bleached hair has been soiled
- Enjoy!

Something new!

2005-07-27T04:54:00.000+12:00

Calling all readers of NMW and friends of Nurton!!!!

I have started a new site with the help of Darth which I would encourage you to join. So if you:

- Like books
or
- Look like a young Ulrika Johnson

visit The BAWIRA

Where has that boy gone?

2005-07-22T00:35:00.000+12:00

I'm here!! Where here=Wiltshire!

Was too busy cleaning house and moving last weekend to blog then. Have been too busy at work to blog this week. Have no internet access where I am sleeping at the moment, so you will just have to put up with some silence (maybe you prefer this?!?)

If all goes to plan I will be moving into a new flat in Bath this weekend. Hopefully I should have sorted out broadband within a week or two and then I can spend all my lonely nights typing shit on my blog for your enjoyment! Meanwhile maybe Darth will blog a bit more in the intermission period?!?

In the meantime, have a look at this: Nat emailed it to me and I have been umming and arrrrhhhing as to whether or not to include it on here. After 3 days of thinking, I can't think of any French people who read this who, that I know, so here goes....

French Terror Alert

President Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from
"Run" to "Hide". There are only two higher alert levels in France, which
are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire which destroyed France's white flag factory - effectively crippling
their military.

The coast at sunset

2005-07-16T23:04:00.000+12:00

I'm moving house this weekend from Exeter to Bath as I start work on Monday morning. I am trying to catch up with some of my blogging that I have failed to do over the last week due to the excessive heat before I pack my computer away.

Earlier in the week I was pretty bored one evening so decided to nip down to the coast for a quick walk along the sea wall while the sun set as I couldn't think of anything better (or indeed cooler(in the thermodynamic rather than image sense of the word)) to do with my time.

Looking down at the sea wall. Lots of people fishing although a lot of them looked like local chavs who despite having expensive looking fishing rods were opting to fish without the aid of bait. Surely not even a fish is stupid enough to chew on a sharp metal hook just for a laugh, without the incentive of a maggot or two?

This is looking across the railway line at the red sandstone cliffs. I only publish this photo as I think it might interest any transport planners who happen to be reading this while travelling across Scandinavia at the moment!

I've become a social outcast during the hours of daylight

2005-07-16T21:10:00.000+12:00

Last weekend (bloody hell, shows how far behind I am with my blogging at the moment) I had a few days with absolutely nothing to do. The weather was gorgeous, so I thought I should take advantage of the situation and spend some time outside. I decided to walk across Dartmoor from Ivybridge to Okehampton which is about 55km as the crow flies but as anybody who has walked on the moors before will know, it is impossible to walk in anything resembling a straight line over much of the moor, so the actual distance is much further. I camped for the night in a pub's campsite in Princetown and enjoyed a few too many 'Jail Ales' while reading my book in the corner of the pub. How very pleasant

Here are some pictures....

Looking south down onto Ivybridge at the beginning of the climb

"I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable - plugged straight into Kurtz. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz's memory - any more than being back in Saigon was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine."

A rare bit of path, the majority of the walking is across very rough moor land of which most is normally bog. At least with all this hot dry weather we have had, a lot of the boggy patches had dried up.

===================================

Now after the first day of walking for 8 hours in direct 30+oC sunshine I had managed to survive without any burns. On the second day a slightly longer walk combined with a slightly less covering t-shirt resulted in some serious sunburn, but it was the tan lines that are the real problem. Two tips for the future:

1.) Wear your shortest pair of shorts, not longest if you are going to be in the sun for two days straight.
2.) If you are wearing walking boots you WILL have the most embarrassing tan lines 6 inches above your ankles, which means you can't wear shorts for the next two weeks without looking like a complete tit!

A long overdue poem

2005-07-16T08:31:00.000+12:00

Ode to Borange-Stuart Hall following William Wordsworth-For Katalie

I wandered drunken as a clown
That bloats on pies then feels pale and ill,
When all at once I saw a frown,
My host, and my 'Borange'-spills;
Beside the cake, beneath the peas,
That terrible drink that made me queeze(y)

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In hungover or in vomiting mood
It flashs on my pounding mind
Which is the piss of Boritude*
And then my toilet with Borange fills
And I wish I had eaten some Daffodils (instead)

Boritude is not a word to the best of this author's knowledge...sorry

Two great discoveries

2005-07-16T07:13:00.000+12:00

Last week I was fortunate enough to watch two films that I had missed at the cinema when they first came out but always wanted to see. The first is 'Napoleon Dynamite'. The film in itself is a very strange concept as it is purely about a few days in the life of a totally weird schoolboy with a story that would be unlikely to make it as the plot of a children’s novel let alone a major movie. But it works. It does more than work, it's AMAZING. The first time I watched the film I had a huge grin across my face for the entirety but I rarely actually laughed out loud. As soon as I had finished, I poured myself a pint of coke, opened a packet of Thai Sweet Chilli crisp (still my favourite) and sat down for the commencement of sequential viewing number 2. This time I nearly wet myself laughing.

Film Synopsis: Critical Geek Mass is exceeded beyond anything we ever thought possible. But he has one thing that will win him the respect of his peers.... he can dance like Nurton! Check this out. [I recommend watching to it with the tune of 'Satisfaction' or even more fun is 'Time to Party' which shows that this little flash program actually matches his dancing to the beat of the tune you choose, which I think is really clever!]

If you haven't seen the film yet and are wondering why I love this film so much then consider the following questions:

- Have you ever said something along the lines of "a Freaking 12 gauge! What do you think!" in reply to a bully's taunts?
- Did you ever dream of being or knowing the only boy in school to have a moustache?
- Do you have to placate your friend's jealousy by saying things along the line of "Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day".
- And finally, most importantly... "Have you ever heard of nylon polymer?"

If you answer yes to all or most of the above questions you WILL love this film. BUY IT.

The second film I bought on DVD this week was 'Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy'. This film is funny, very funny. I've written too much about the first film so I won't say anymore about this, other than I love the bit at the end where it says what 'Brick' goes on to do as a future job. Priceless.

Film Synopsis: "Women's brains are a third the size of men's. It's science"

If you've seen either of these two films and agree that they are great, comment and share the wealth of quotes. These films deserve to be praised.

A quicky

2005-07-14T10:58:00.000+12:00

I was planning to do a fair amount of blogging this evening but instead I ended up around Leon's house drinking wine. Now I am too fecked to write anything. So I promise tomorrow morning I will update my rubbish blog.

Ciao Noely (rather pissed!)

Student spends money!!!

2005-07-10T10:41:00.000+12:00

Tonight I had a lovely evening out. The weather is wonderful at the moment and as I walked down the high street (despite it being infested with Chavs) I felt superbly relaxed.

While I have been in Exeter my friends from Church Tony and Mandy (a married couple with children my age) have adopted me as an extra child. They have been very kind to me and have often fed me on Sundays with huge lavish home cooked roast dinners and nice wine. So today Neil, Craig (there other adoptees) and myself treated them to a meal in a posh(ish) restaurant on the cathedral square. I had a Pizza called a "Fiesta” and plenty of red wine. It was all very civilised and a good laugh.

Neil, Craig, Tony and Mandy at our table. [I never realised how much the inside of 'Ask' looks like somebody's living room!]

Tomorrow if all goes to plan I am going to go walking on Dartmoor for a couple of days. If I am not blogging again by Tuesday call the coastguard (I don't think we have a mountain rescue as 500m above sea level doesn't really qualify us for St. Bernards and hair drunk men in Land Rovers)

7/7 London Bombings

2005-07-09T23:04:00.000+12:00

Just a quick post, as I feel my worldwide readership will probably want to hear what it's like to live in newest country to be affected by international terrorism....

I must say that on Thursday that despite being over 30 miles from the bombing and in no risk whatsoever, that I still felt as if I was being attacked. When people start setting off bombs in your country, suddenly there is an overwhelming urge to find out where they came from and bomb the shit out of them. For the first time I truly understand the reaction of the Americans post 119. After 11th September I remember feeling rather neutral towards the yanks as it was quite obvious as an external observer that they had been stirring up a hornet’s nest in the middle east for many years with a foreign policy that had all the finesse of Postman Pat's driving over a humped-back-bridge. I think that I still stand by that opinion. After all if there is one thing that any intelligent human being knows when it comes to solving a problem is that it is a waste of time and effort to try and solve the problem that presents itself, instead you should always be looking for the root cause as eliminating that is the only way of removing the problem for good. Contrary to popular opinion "Osama's training camps in Afghanistan" were not the reason that these people hate the West.

Anyway, so now that we have been attacked, I feel angry and I feel revengeful. But taking a step back and looking at the situation objectively there is only one thing that can be said about the situation: "You can't say we didn't provoke them".

As George and Tony keep reminding us, we are at war. What many of the modern population seem not to understand is that when you are at war the people you are targeting tend to fight back. We should not be surprised. This does not mean we should let them win. I wonder where this will end? What are your thoughts?

PS: And the most frightening thing about all this; is that I am starting to sound like George Galloway!!! Arghhh!!!!!

OK, that's just weird

2005-07-07T05:50:00.000+12:00

While checking my stat counter I saw that somebody had linked into my page from a google search. See here.

Look what they were searching for!!! Weirdo!

Spot the pattern

2005-07-07T03:23:00.000+12:00

Last week I got my degree results. I celebrated

Last weekend we remembered what happened 200 years ago. We celebrated

Today I watched this. I celebrated. (Darth refused to celebrate as he described it as "Not that interesting".)

We went to see Eden's gardens

2005-07-06T01:35:00.000+12:00

Last Thursday we went on a house bonding day trip to Cornwall. I drove as we doubted whether or not Nick's car would cope with the infamous Cornish hills with me as a passenger. We had to leave really early in the morning (9.15am!!!) but as I was at the wheel I was not allowed to sleep unlike the other 3.

We were going to visit the Eden Project which was built so as to facilitate the filming of a recent James Bond movie but also to house some green things.

It has some amazing architecture which is really nice to look at. Unfortunately the entire place is run by a group of hippies, which is something that I do not approve of. Especially as they are stupid hippies. There are thousands of 'information stands' detailing and criticizing the effects of climate change, but because they assume that all people visiting are going to have the bipedal motivation of a fat American tourist they provide a bus to transport you from your parked car to the main entrance (a five minute walk at most but the bus goes via a series of small Mount Everests and takes about 7 minutes and ten gallons of diesel) and then once you are into the attraction they encourage you to take the 'LandTrain' down into the quarry. IT IS DOWN BLOODY HILL, through some lovely gardens yet the stupid eco-warriors still think it is acceptable for people not to walk.

There are two main green houses. The main one is shown above and houses what they claim to be the world's largest captive rainforest. It is really, really hot and humid and after 45 minutes I was certainly ready for a break. The plants are interesting, but after that amount of time they do all start to look the same. I felt they needed to include some 'Jungle' animals to make it more exciting for small children and me. After all a real rainforest is an ecosystem that contains plants (banana trees) as well as animals (Pterodactyls).

We had lunch in their onsite restaurant. The food was AMAZING. Although not cheap it was by far the best food I have ever tasted at a tourist attraction. I would be amazed if it was all organic as they claim, because up until now all organic food I have ever tasted missed a certain je ne sais qua that the chemicals bless normal food with.

The other dome was supposed to simulate a "hot, dry climate" and although it was dry it was actually colder than outside which felt a little weird. I found this bit a little more interesting as it had cacti and some art work.

Harry, Nick and Matt under the waterfall in the humid house.

[From left to right]: Nick, The world's largest 1megapixel camera and Harry.

On the way home I drove (awake) the others sat (asleep). I should have charged a "chauffeur’s" fee.

Back in Surrey

2005-07-03T11:33:00.000+12:00

Hello

I'm back visiting my parents and will stay here (on dial up, so not much blogging) until my car has passed its MOT or I get so frustrated with my elders that I leave without a car!!!!

Will update hopefully later in the weekend about: Eden project/drunk conversations/ London.

Today: Went to London with Darth to take part in 'Bar 8'.

Bar 8

2 men, 8 bars, drinking for our own and other's entertainment, in the hope that 8 world leaders give a shit about it and change the world.

Was fun

It's official - Exeter University has declared me a NERD

2005-06-30T10:14:00.000+12:00

Yesterday I was rather shell shocked. Today I feel only a little shocked, but nevertheless still slightly taken aback. The reason for this.... my results..... I got something I didn't think was possible for me to get.... I got something that I didn't deserve..... I got something that is going to secure my dream job in Oz..... I got something that I was aiming for when I was young and hopeful in the first year.... I got

A FIRST CLASS DEGREE

I am now a BSc. Hons. Although I don't know whether or not that means people have to call me “Sir”. I must research that.

To top of my success I also beat James* at squash for the first time in a few months. For some reason I am the luckiest man alive (this week). Thank you God!

James organised a little bloke’s night in and I went round his house and watched him eat curry (I had already OD'd on celebratory sausages) and we watched Con Air and drank beer. James took some photos with his new camera....

Nurton's "I've just got a first" cheesy grin. You won't witness this too often!

When you've had a day as good as that you are allowed to eat ice cream straight from the from the tub even though it’s not right, in the same way that Dawn French is allowed to be fat because she's funny.

My housemate Phil also got a 1st (Mathematics) which he certainly deserved as he is always working. Nick got a VERY well deserve 2:1 (Business and Economics, or something like that) and Harry also got a well earned 2:1 (History and Digging up bones, or something like that). Also worthy of a mention is Kat who also got a well deserved 2:1 which although her reaction was "Oh damn I was hoping for a 2:2 so I had an excuse to avoid ever getting a proper job" I know she is very proud of, or at least she should be because she definitely earned it. Well done.

So congratulations to everybody!

*James with the other English students gets his results tomorrow, so good luck mate!!!!!

I miss Little Britain

2005-06-30T06:12:00.000+12:00

Was just sorting through some obscure folder on my computer when I came across this spoof picture that Diggs sent to me ages ago. Those of you who know the genius of David Walliams and Matt Lucas will love this....

Superb!

My last ever university summer ball....sob

2005-06-29T23:36:00.000+12:00

Monday evening and the early hours of Tuesday morning played host to the university’s main campus summer ball. It was never going to be the greatest social occasion in the world as the majority of the third year students are going to the graduation ball next month so cannot afford to go to this as well. I made the decision last month not to go the graduation ball as it cost £70 and rather to go to the St Lukes and Main campus summer balls instead and have some money to spare for drinks.

The night was very enjoyable and the company was very pleasant. Nick drove us to the ball* which was very kind of her. There was Nick, Matt, Harry, Caroline and me from our house. This meant that despite not knowing many of the people there that we still have each other to socialise with. Here are some of the photos....

In the university beer garden: Matt, Nick, Caro, Harry and Little Nurton.

Caro, me and Harry. Don't we scrub up well?

Ahhhh, how romantic.

Don't ever steal food from Harry. She tends to over react.

I bumped into Sarah who used to live two rooms down from me in the first year in our lovely halls of residence. She is completely mad, but in a good way. I like her red hair, it's new!

You've seen pictures of cool Noel, drunk Noel, normal Noel, so here to complete the set is SCARY Noel. Probably not my best look, but useful for scaring small animals and young children should the need arise.

A picture of the crowds in the great hall at the university. The acts included a rubbish R&B band that I had never heard of before. The only good bit about their performance was when they got two volunteers to come up on stage and dance along to one of the songs. One of the guys who went up was so plastered that he fell backwards and wrote off about two keyboards that were set up for the next act. Very entertaining if you happened not to be him or the owner of the keyboard!
Next was the band who do the "Build me up buttercup" song, 'The Foundation'. They were a very entertaining band and put on a good show, their sax solos were particularly good live. Finally (and I mean finally as they were nearly 3 hours late) was the main act, a band called Kosheen. According to my informed sources (my mate John on the guild of students) the lead singer had gone AWOL and only turned up 5 minutes before they were supposed to go on stage smashed out of her head. Even when she did come on she did look rather wobbly but was obviously still in the "good" part of drunk as she seemed to be enjoying herself.

*Are we the first/only people in the history of the universe to arrive at a posh ball in a Nissan Micra?