Last week was scare week
Two very scary things happened to me last week. I'll leave you to guess which scared me more:-
1) On Monday evening I was doing some mandatory* housemate maintenance with Jo as “we” had agreed I would buy Pizza and then we would pig out and watch TV. This was my punishment for forgetting the previous Monday that I had agreed to the same thing (but with us sharing the cost of the Pizza). Ness is to blame for my forgetful state, but that is another story.
So off we drove in Marvin half way to Chatswood in search of the Pizza shop. After locating said Pizza depository we toddled back out to the car (which was parked under a tree!) climbed in, I buckled up, then Jo passed me the Pizza and then balanced some other crap on top of the box. Then just as she started to put her seat belt on she screamed and grabbed my arm. Before I had time to rebuke her, I saw what the problem was, next to her on the passenger side window, inside Marvin was Australia's largest spider. Was at least the size of my hand (well nearly). Suffice to say it was at least 300% bigger than any spider I have ever seen in real life before.
I, of course, was paralysed with fear, and at the same time quietly thanking God that it was on Jo's side of the car not mine and screaming a lot. Quick as a flash in one smooth motion Jo reached down, pulled off her laced up shoe and nearly hit the spider straight on. Unfortunately, of course, she missed and the little death bug scuttled over at the speed of light and nested itself just above the steering wheel. By this stage I was really freaking out. I had even stopped screaming. As I sat there, trapped and paralysed by fear, Jo kindly hit me and said "do something you idiot", so I replied "what?!". "Open the window and push it out with the shoe"..... well much to my amazement it worked.
Spider safely on the outside of the car we set off home and as I accelerated past a heady 40kph the little scamp went flying up and over the windscreen. Good riddens.
10 minutes later we were arriving back into our complex and I joked to Jo that it was probably still on the outside of the car wait for us to emerge so it could finish us off. So when as I reversed back into our house and Jo screamed, and grabbed my arm and said the spider was on her window, I laughed and said I wasn't that stupid. Of course you all know that actually I am that stupid and indeed the huge beast was there sitting on the outside of her window, fangs dripping with venom, knowing that one pizza would mean that we would only be able to last a maximum of 2 hours in the car before we would be forced to escape in search of more food. 5 minutes later when we lost sight of the spider we made a dash for it. To this day I still have no idea where it went. It is probably still in my car. Now, every time I drive with thongs on I am secretly terrified, the knowledge that there is a "killer" [Note: I later discovered from Jo that it was a Huntsman spiders, well most probably] in my car makes me very nervous.
2.) I came within 12 inches of being killed by a f***ing stupid idi*t mot(*er Fu*c^eR car driver. When you are doing 40kph downhill on a straight clear road with literally no obstructions, parked cars or even shadows and you are wearing your bright green (really bright - day glow) top and a car coming the other wise decides to turn right in front of you at 50kph because they are focused on the car 100m behind you and trying to nip in front of you..... you come the closest you have ever to crapping yourself. A closing speed of 90kph is scary. Very.
I have never thought I was going to die until that moment. It was bloody scary. Just managed to stay upright as I skidded and swerved around the bonnet of the offending car as it finally saw me and threw on the anchors. Of course I was too British to go back and kill or seriously maim the driver, but with the benefit of hindsight I now know that was a mistake. Suffice to say it shook me up for the rest of the day much more than I let on at the time.
I've actually already been hit by a car on the roads here, but at least that time it was 10% my fault, as I happened to look down just as the car in front hit the brakes big time, but this time I swear on my next door neighbour's cat's life that it was 100% not my fault.... and you know what that means.... delayed rage!
* Only kidding!
1) On Monday evening I was doing some mandatory* housemate maintenance with Jo as “we” had agreed I would buy Pizza and then we would pig out and watch TV. This was my punishment for forgetting the previous Monday that I had agreed to the same thing (but with us sharing the cost of the Pizza). Ness is to blame for my forgetful state, but that is another story.
So off we drove in Marvin half way to Chatswood in search of the Pizza shop. After locating said Pizza depository we toddled back out to the car (which was parked under a tree!) climbed in, I buckled up, then Jo passed me the Pizza and then balanced some other crap on top of the box. Then just as she started to put her seat belt on she screamed and grabbed my arm. Before I had time to rebuke her, I saw what the problem was, next to her on the passenger side window, inside Marvin was Australia's largest spider. Was at least the size of my hand (well nearly). Suffice to say it was at least 300% bigger than any spider I have ever seen in real life before.
I, of course, was paralysed with fear, and at the same time quietly thanking God that it was on Jo's side of the car not mine and screaming a lot. Quick as a flash in one smooth motion Jo reached down, pulled off her laced up shoe and nearly hit the spider straight on. Unfortunately, of course, she missed and the little death bug scuttled over at the speed of light and nested itself just above the steering wheel. By this stage I was really freaking out. I had even stopped screaming. As I sat there, trapped and paralysed by fear, Jo kindly hit me and said "do something you idiot", so I replied "what?!". "Open the window and push it out with the shoe"..... well much to my amazement it worked.
Spider safely on the outside of the car we set off home and as I accelerated past a heady 40kph the little scamp went flying up and over the windscreen. Good riddens.
10 minutes later we were arriving back into our complex and I joked to Jo that it was probably still on the outside of the car wait for us to emerge so it could finish us off. So when as I reversed back into our house and Jo screamed, and grabbed my arm and said the spider was on her window, I laughed and said I wasn't that stupid. Of course you all know that actually I am that stupid and indeed the huge beast was there sitting on the outside of her window, fangs dripping with venom, knowing that one pizza would mean that we would only be able to last a maximum of 2 hours in the car before we would be forced to escape in search of more food. 5 minutes later when we lost sight of the spider we made a dash for it. To this day I still have no idea where it went. It is probably still in my car. Now, every time I drive with thongs on I am secretly terrified, the knowledge that there is a "killer" [Note: I later discovered from Jo that it was a Huntsman spiders, well most probably] in my car makes me very nervous.
2.) I came within 12 inches of being killed by a f***ing stupid idi*t mot(*er Fu*c^eR car driver. When you are doing 40kph downhill on a straight clear road with literally no obstructions, parked cars or even shadows and you are wearing your bright green (really bright - day glow) top and a car coming the other wise decides to turn right in front of you at 50kph because they are focused on the car 100m behind you and trying to nip in front of you..... you come the closest you have ever to crapping yourself. A closing speed of 90kph is scary. Very.
I have never thought I was going to die until that moment. It was bloody scary. Just managed to stay upright as I skidded and swerved around the bonnet of the offending car as it finally saw me and threw on the anchors. Of course I was too British to go back and kill or seriously maim the driver, but with the benefit of hindsight I now know that was a mistake. Suffice to say it shook me up for the rest of the day much more than I let on at the time.
I've actually already been hit by a car on the roads here, but at least that time it was 10% my fault, as I happened to look down just as the car in front hit the brakes big time, but this time I swear on my next door neighbour's cat's life that it was 100% not my fault.... and you know what that means.... delayed rage!
* Only kidding!
posted by Nurton at 1:00 PM
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