No energy to blog or comment but just to say....

Project Stats

-Software Completion: 100%
-Words written: 9466 (Main Doco) 4500 Appendices
-Words written(edited): 9466
-Proof read: 100%
-Printed: 100%
-Bound: 100%
-State of concern: "No concern, I have alcohol now."
-Pints of coke since 24/4/05: 8.5(Coke all types) + 10 bananas + 2 pro plus tabs
-Stress level: "No stress, I have alcohol now"

Off to friends 21st now. Will blog about week on Saturday as I recover.

Thanks for your support!

Nurton.

We interrupt this blog silence for TOTAL PANIC AND PAIN

This dissertation deadline is going to be a VERY VERY VERY close run thing on Friday. Therefore I do not apologise for the lack of blogging this week. Hopefully young Kendrick will keep you amused if he doesn't go mad.

One of my wisdom teeth is coming through. The last time this happened was when I was 18. Grrrr. I don't need the pain now!

In too much of a rush (1.40am and I'm still panicking!) to put up dissertation stats, needless to say they are rather dire!

PS: Have some good 'stressed looking Nurton' pics to put up once I have time to blog properly again.

Which Club?

Like Brad Pitt from in the popular flic "fight club" I have joined not 1 but 2 illicit societies.

1)Breakfast Club

My housemates wake me up at 8 and feed me seeds, museli and tea-occasionally crumpets
There is 1 rule of breakfast club:
"I am not allowed to fart at the table during breakfast club"

2) Insomnia club

My housemates and I sit up late talking about the pros and cons of strip clubs and whether these degrade women.
There is 1 rule of Insomnia club:
"I am not allowed to fart at the table of insomnia club"

Unfortunately I cannot be a member of both clubs due to my mental health deteriorating fast from tiredness, please help!

I must be joking

As I have spent most of the day busying away on my university project I don't really have anything to blog about.

Anyway here to keep to amused is a joke I have been telling people today.....

Three somewhat elderly gentlemen are travelling home with the London underground after spending a jolly evening at a pub. The following conversation takes place:
- Is this Wembley?
- No, it´s Thursday.
- So am I, let´s have another drink!

Well it made me giggle. If it doesn't make you laugh leave a comment with a better joke.

Current Dissertation Stats

-Software Completion: 93%
-Words written: 5500
-Words written(edited): 4753
-Proof read: 10%
-Printed: 0%
-Bound: 0%
-State of concern: "Poland defence force, circa 1939.5"
-Pints of coke since 24/4/05: 0.5(Diet with lemon) 0.5(Diet with lime)+ 2(Cherry)
-Stress level: "Fecking high!"

Project/Dissertation Update

Well we(well actually more accurately "I") are(am) into the final week of my university 3rd year project. I have had 2 terms or 28 weeks to perfect and finalise my answer to the dynamic timetabling needs of the worlds rail industry (a thrilling topic, trust me!*). So far I have a 90% completed simulation and prototype tool, which I was hoping to round off tonight, but will probably be most of Monday as well. I have 5/6000 words written from previous "Stage" handins (eg: research and design documentation). This will need to be edited and put into a new final "dissertation" document and another 4/5000 words added. Then proof read. Then I need to tidy up and publish my software on a CD. Then print the doco. Then bind the doco and finally hand it in.

So I have decided as this will be a totally white knuckle, last minute, hair raising, stress inducing 5 days, I will blog about it so that you too can enjoy the ride of ups and downs. (If I don't submit it by the deadline (2pm Friday 29th) then I will never blog again, so I need your support on this!)

All my post from now on will have this Project Facts table:

-Software Completion: 90%
-Words written: 5000
-Words written(edited): 0
-Proof read: 0%
-Printed: 0%
-Bound: 0%
-State of concern: "Poland defence force, circa 1938"
-Pints of coke since 24/4/05: 0.5(Diet with lemon) 0.5(Diet with lime)
-Stress level: "Reverse 'Just for men' effect"

*I do actually know one person for whom the thrill of timetabling can be beaten by only a few things. He is not as hairy, shy or scary as you might imagine.

A world record and a Dr Who spectacular

First of all, some very, very exciting news. I have managed to do something that I previously thought to be impossible. I have never met or heard of anybody who has achieved it. Yes that's right, you've guess it...... I've completed Spider Solitaire on the hardest setting (4 suites). Incredible.

Evidence:


[Proof, see bottom left hand corner (4 suites)]


[The Stats table as further proof]

Straight after that I sat down to watch the conclusion of a two part Dr. Who. No daleks yet but it contained possibly the best drama scene the BBC has ever managed to pull off. Basically it was the Prime minister (actually an evil alien in disguise) talking to a press conference. The prime minister(evil alien) is trying to scare the world into launching nuclear strikes. He does this by lying to the press and claiming that the scientific experts that came to see him (who are now all conveniently murdered) showed him indisputable evidence that there is a huge alien spaceship orbiting above the earth with [wait for it............] the ability to launch massive weapons of destruction with only 45 seconds warning.

BBC 45, Hutton Inquiry 1.

I salute the BBC!!!!!

I can't drink any more milk

Two weeks ago while Harry was in the house on her own our local milkman came to call. (At this point I will avoid making any obvious jokes that could be drawn from this situation). Anyway some how or the other our milkman managed to convince Harry to sign up to have milk delivered every other day. This means that this week I have had delivered to my door enough milk for three people. I have tried my best to imbibe it all but alas am left with 3 bottles spare this weekend. I hope Nick and Harry will come back soon else they may well find me in a pile of my own self induced milk vomit. Nice!

The best week ever is about to end

Well when I started this week (Monday) I had no reason to expect that it was going to be one of the best weeks in my life but that is the way it has turned out. In fact with my dissertation deadline looming I thought that this may well be the week that I might try to repeat the Jelly Babies overdose incident of my GCSE revision period in 1999. Here is a brief recap as to why this week rocks:

- I have managed to achieve enough work that there is a chance I will finish my dissertation on time.
- I have been home alone and hence able to have "boxer short days"
- I have not lost my current job
- I have been offered a work secondment to India some time later this year
- I have been offered THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD IN MELBOURNE for 2006 onwards
- I have today got a letter in the post detailing a pay rise!
- I have been drinking coca-cola in large quantities with no regard for my health and no body is here to tell me off.
- Same as above but with eating (not drinking) turkey dinosaurs (not coke)
- I had a break from work for some friends to come round and I cooked them a curry. (Cook chicken + sauce(out of jar) + rice + popadoms + naans + wine(not for me as I am still not drinking (except in interviews) and James as he is not drinking as he is in training for the Exeter half marathon) = A Belly Busting Night). Here are the photos*:


[My guests: James, Holy James and Anna]

- They did the washing up which makes this the perfect week.


[A miracle: Anna and James did the washing up (without) being asked....]


[Meanwhile Holy James pisses around trying to look dangerous or cool or both(?)]

- All that is required now is for my perfect woman to come along before the week is out and ask me to marry her. That will truly make this the best week in the universe ever.

The only thing that could spoil it is for Darth to phone me tomorrow morning tell me the earth is being destroyed to make way for the 'Galaxy Bypass Super Highway' and that we needed to hitch a ride on a smelly Vogon space ship. Although a lack of tea would not distress me as long as I could feed my coke (cola) habit.

*Sorry, all these photos are a little bit fuzzy, this is because since the French fu*ked with the settings on my camera I have still not managed to return it to taking sharp photos indoors (except close-up mode, which seems to work).

Competition prizes

Just as proof that Nurton Meets World competitions do lead to real prizes, here are the prizes from Competition One shortly before they were shipped. Let this be a lesson to any sceptics out there who do not take NMW seriously!

A joint first prize:

Let me introduce you to the Su doku Grand Masters

Well as this article on the BBC website implies that Su doku is now a UK-wide soon to be worldwide craze it seems now it a good time to introduce you all to the UK's Su Doku grand masters......

Darth 'Fiendish' Kendrick:



'Neun Quadrate' Nurton:



If you see these men on the street give them your RESPECT.

*End public announcement*

Congratulations Nurton and a Lesbian stand off

Firstly congratultions Noel-You will soon be "chucking another possum on the barby" and partaking in the flame grilling of other helpless mammels.

Yesterday I saw Puccini's Madame Butterfly, it was amazing. The love duet is rapidly becoming my favourite piece of Showeroke. After I went for a drink with one of my housemates. A while ago she met a lesbian friend-of a-friend of mine and managed to 'out' her without me saying anything based on her (the lesbian) choice of shoes.

Last night I guessed one of her friends was also a lesbian, my housemate disagreed...until later in the evening I pointed out that her friend was kissing another girl!- Ha Ha it's now 1-1 in the spot a lesbian game.

I expect better of 'The Times'

Been a bit busy lately so only got round to reading Wednesdays Times last night before I went to bed. The article headline 'Smoking doubles risk of death' made me stop reading put on my dressing gown, walk down stairs and throw the paper away. It just shows that now the Times has gone from broadsheet to compact format they have cut down on their research. If they had only done a little investigation they would have discovered that their headline now equates to Smoking means 200% chance of death.

As I am an anti-smoker myself maybe a double death for smokers is a suitable punishment for causing passive smoking and well just making everybody who sits near them smell?

It's somebody's birthday and the New Competition!

Today is a very special day because:

- It is somebody’s 40th birthday
- He is currently unwell
- He is Green
- His name is Henry
- He is the coolest thing I know
- 40 years ago the DVLA issued him with his own V5
- He is MY(well not strictly mine)CAR

here is his picture:



He is not actually my car, I am looking after him for a very good friend of mine, Bob. He is currently away cycling in stupid places. He has just finished cycling around the USA (yes you read that correctly!) and now is just starting a cycle tour of Eastern Europe. Check out his two blogs here, full of superb travelling blogging!

Any Carr and Bob Johnson Cycle USA
Any Carr and Bob Johnson Cycle Europe

=====================================

Now for time for the third Nurton Meets World Competition

Your task should you wish to except it is to think of the best celebration party plan that you can think of to celebrate the 40th birthday of an inanimate lump of steal (Henry). My initial ideas include filling his petrol tank with some very strong sprits so he can get drunk with us!

Prize: A ride in Henry once I have got round to getting him MOT'd or before if you are feeling really crazy! For those unable to attend the event you may be eligible to receive a signed photo of Henry instead courtesy of NMW.

Normal 'Nurton Meets World' Competition rules apply:

- You can enter as many times as you like, by adding a comment to this post.
- You can enter from any country as long as it is not in the 'Axis of Evil' or the 'Axis of Just as Evil'
- Nurton's decision is final and can be swayed by bribery.
- The Competition will close on the 1st May 2005, or later if all the entries by that point are rubbish.

PS: The Name a Sitcom competition is still OPEN.

The best day in the history of NMW

Well the things I did today:

- 2 hours work on my project, fixing a problem that had being puzzling me for days
- Showered (now an optional extra as I am home alone, although today rather more important than usual, read on....)
- Put on a suit for the first time in a long time
- Drove to the station
- Failed to locate a single parking place
- Missed my train
- Drove to Bath (Chippenham, where my work is) and as I was running early I stopped at EVERY service station of the M5 and M4 (a world record for a person with no bladder condition perhaps?)
- Had meeting with boss that went like this:

Boss: You are a day late!
Me: *look at watch* Actually I'm 5 minutes early
Boss: You were supposed to come on Tuesday
Me: Oh Shit
Boss: Look on my calendar it says Tuesday 3:30 -4pm
Me: Oh Shit
Boss: Look here is the email you sent me which says..... Wednesday
Me: Um
Boss: Oh Shit, I'm sorry.
Me: That's OK I forgive you.
Boss: I can't really chat to you now as I have to make some people redundant
Me: Will I have a job when I graduate?
Boss: Oh yes of course we can't wait for you to come back, we have loads for you to do. Unfortunately *points to guy waiting to come into his office* we don't have much for him to do.
Me: Ah that sucks
Boss: Yeah, I have to tell him that
Me: Do you mind if I emigrate to Australia?
Boss: Yes I mind, but you can go after Christmas.
Me: Thanks.

- I then talked to my mate Tim who I work with about his VW camper van for 40mins about how it passed its MOT after he welded a new floor in made out of old office desk chairs he found in the company’s skip.

- I then talked to my line manager:
Me: I will be starting full time in Mid July and emigrating (hopefully) to Australia in January.
Line Manager: Fine, do you what to go to India for 4 months first?
Me: What's the catch?
LM: No catch, but you'll be on your own and nobody else on the team wants to go
Me: I'll think about it.

- I then met up with the Managing Director of Westinghouse Australia for a job interview.
- As it was 6pm we went to a pub for dinner.
- The BEST INTERVIEW ever because:
* I got to drink beer (free beer)
* I got a free dinner (tasty dinner)
* He was the nicest bloke ever
* He offer me a JOB in Melbourne for whenever I want to start in the next 2 years
* He said I was special (in a good way I hope!)

- I drove home.

I am SO LUCKY!!!!!!!! WHAT A GREAT DAY. I AM SOOOOOOO HAPPY.

Unlike other students visiting my mother means I have to wash my own jeans

Well my work is progressing fairly well at the moment. I was up until 3.30am last night working, which was just as well as I only really started proper at 7pm. Seems I am becoming quite the night owl, much like young Kendrick. I have already done 3 hours work today with the evening still ahead of me!

Today I have also washed my jeans. I shouldn't have had to wash them but my Mother had broken them. While I was last back at home Mum kindly washed them for me. Unfortunately neither of my parents do denim as they are usually about 40 years behind current fashion trends (this at the moment equates to flowery dresses (for my mum) and slightly flared trousers from a charity shop (for my dad)). This coupled with my Mother's ironing addiction means that not only did she iron my jeans (I discovered long ago that if you are careful drying things you don't need to own an iron) but she put a crease down the front of each leg. Trust me it looks very wrong.

Now I could have just re-iron it out, but I am very wary of using the iron when my female housemates are not in the house as I am frighten it might "disrespect me". So that is why I have spent the day re washing them.

Story over.

Oh you just have to see this

I can't believe somebody has actually done this.

I don't know what an appropriate CNF reaction should be?

Why I didn't get too much done yesterday

Here is the reason:

Button

The biggest waste of time ever!!

I was against capital punishment until I read this

This was in the news today.

I am strictly against capital punishment. I believe people should be made to PAY for what they have done by working for the good of society as their punishment (ie making doilies of old people etc.) But this story about chavs attacking firefighters is just one step too far.

There is just NO excuse for it what so ever. These kids need to have there googlies cut off and then thrown off a cliff (both them and their googlies and their parents). Society has no need for such gene pools.

Please somebody tell me I am wrong, I would love to be wrong on this but I can't think of ANY other punishment suitable.

One of those mornings

This morning I procrastinated and went to the supermarket. When I said "Good morning" to the checkout chick, she replied "Actually it's 12:30 in the afternoon sir.". I asked her where my morning had gone, but she said she didn't know. I can feel the day slipping away from me before it's even started.

We won. Well nearly

This evening I allowed myself my two hours of socialising for the week. (While dissertating I am on a strict ration of fun activities). So I toddled off in the rain down to the pub for the quiz.

It was an easy week and we did quite well and got 30 out 40. I found out why a Pelican crossing is called a Pelican crossing (PEdestrian LIght CONtrolled crossing) and other such useless factoids. [Useless facts are my chief dating weapon. As I haven't been on a date for a fair while, the next girl I take out may well be OVERWHELMED by the amount of new information I burden her brain with and as a result be taken ill and not be able to make the second date*]

Anyway, we came third out of the ~25 teams who entered, which won us two bottles of wine. 2nd place got half a crate of Fosters and 1st got an entire crate. So as Fosters tastes like kangaroo piss, I feel we were the real winners. I came home and celebrated by eating all the remaining cheese in our fridge (bring on the dreams) and making an 'Uber Sandwich'. A good night! Hopefully a picture of this glorious victory will be posted soon as a friend had her camera with her.

Now back to work, still got 45 minutes till Monday!

*Some people say I am a pessimist

Why am I so cold?

Today I am freezing. I don't know why but I am sure it has something to do with the house being cold and that in turn has something to do with the weather being cold and rainy at the moment. Anyway as I can't be bothered to toddle to Harry's room and fiddle with the heating controls that don't like me, I will just stay here and hope that I manage to theorise some way to change the rules of thermodynamics so I can warm up without using any energy.

.......


Plan A failed. No luck designing new thermodynamic laws. I can't do any more work as my fingers are too cold to type. I now have a few options:

- Continue to sit here cross-armed with my hands in my arm pits (nice and warm!). This is 100% prohibitive to typing. Wait for Harry to come home and turn heating on.

- Reach to my draw and put on a pullover and see if this helps. Potentially only prohibitive to typing for 10seconds

- Attempt to 'wheel' on my chair to Harry's room via the one (downwards) step on our landing. Then read instructions and try to 'program' the heating. Potentially configuring the heating will take up all day and therefore be 100% prohibitive to typing. Also should I ‘lose control’ of my executive office wheelie chair I may accidentally head down the stairs.

- Wear gloves while typing. I predict only one in 5 keys will be the ones I want to press with this digit impairment so a typing prohibiting factor of 80%

What to do?

Our house is so not 'cool'

Don't you hate it when you advise somebody (for example, your housemate) not to buy a Nissan Micra for over 4 months and then as soon as they are away from you they go and buy a Micra. Sometimes I think/know that my expert style opinions mean nothing to my friends and housemates. But on this occassion my other housemate Phil also spent a large amount of time trying to get her to understand the facts. One night she was in my room and Phil and I spent an hour repeating the following sentences to her:

- Micras are not cool
- You have been offered your Mum's Clio, buy that!
- Micras are for old people
- Listen to us, we are boys
- Micras smell of old people
- A Micra will NOT break down, that is half the fun of car ownership.
- We are right, you are wrong.

But that obviously didn't work either.

Anyway we have exactly one week of the holidays left until she returns and for that week I will relish in the fact that we still live in a cool house.

Ps: Nick (the owner of the above mentioned shop mobility cart) IS COOL. But this does not detract from the car problem. Maybe we could modify it with some go faster stripes and tinted windows so at least she'll look like a 'Hell's Granny'?

Is it too late to change my title

I am thinking of revising the title of my dissertation. I know it is a bit late with only two weeks remaining, but hey ho. Which of the following titles do you think will draw the least suspicion of a name change from the examiners from the original "Dynamic real time scheduling using AI techniques" title:

- A masters guide to Microsoft Spider Solitaire
- How to win at a Su Doku every time
- The effects of watching 22 episodes of 'The West Wing' in 3 days on the human brain
- How excessive use of MSN messenger can improve your typing
- The day I played football with my mates by N.J.Burton (a short story)
- Chocolate: The pros and cons
- Wine and Beer: The pros

Which should I go for? I am an expert in all the above subjects so would have no problems writing any of them.

Why oh why

If a wild animal, a lion for example, eats a lot more than other lions, it grows up to be bigger and stronger than them and get all the lion sheilas to itself. Why oh why then, has my Easter holiday of excessive chocolate consumption lead to me becoming something far sort of a rippling muscle hulk???

I went to the gym as today's procrastination activity. I list my mistakes below:

- I shouldn't have gone to the gym, I should have been working on my uni project.

- I have somehow managed to lose a ridiculous amount of fitness in just 4 weeks of no exercise, heavy eating and moderate drinking

- I spent time doing weights and found I could lift just as much as before. Good start. Then I went on the bike and found I could cycle just as fast before. Then I looked in the mirror and realised the past hour was a waste of time as expansion has been between my legs and arms. At no point did I exercise my stomach.

- I pulled two muscles I didn't even know I had. (kinda on the front of my hips)

So I have learnt my lesson. I will take my fitness more seriously now. I liked it last term when I could play 90 minutes of football and not feel like a was about to die. I also used to drink heavily last term and at no point did I put on weight. Maybe alcohol is the answer? (If alcohol does have all the answers, imagine Smarties falvoured beer, it would make you the dog's bollocks at pub quizzes!)

What I did tonight

- Cooked Harry and myself chilli for dinner.

- Watched two episodes of 'Spaced'. A superb British sitcom. Buy it now here. You might be able to get it for less on cd-wow.com or amazon.com. You will not regret it. Even if you are American you will find it funny, although references to 'Robot Wars' and the 'TA' might pass you by. I don't think it was ever released on region 1 DVD, so you'll have to find a multiregional DVD player. But it will be worth it. Trust me! I would recommend that you watch series 2 first. Please back me up and comment here if you love 'Spaced'

- 'Spaced' was followed by 30 minutes of procrastination and then Harry and I sat down to watch the channel 4 film, Spellbound.

Documentaries should not be films.

Was entertaining in parts though, here are my favourite quotes:

Quizmaster: "Spell 'Mayonnaise'"
Child 1: "Um.... 'A'.... oh damn, I've got it wrong haven't I?"

Harry(the kid not my housemate!): "Do, I, sound, like, a, singing, robot"

Brother of competitor: "If I had a blood pressure it would be rocketing now!"

Any before anybody thinks of commenting on my bad spelling. Don't!!! I am proud of the way I find new spellings for words. When CNF come to power, Nurton's 'newspell' will be taught in schools.

The positive side to global warming

I'm just about to head out to the shops. Have checked out the window at the weather. The sky is mostly blue, the temperature is about 15-18oC, and it is hailing. Should I take sun-cream or a sledge?

If this is a side effect of global warming, then I am all for it. I am bored with the old predictable weather. This is far more exciting than, 'Warm = rain, Cold = snow". This could lead to snow in the summer, wouldn't that be great.

Suddenly the war on Iraq suddenly makes sense. We invade, create huge military bases to influence all oil producing countries in the region to give us cheap oil so that we can have snow ball fights in August. For once I can understand Bush's and Blair's logic!

Proof I am a closet wimp

Harry has been telling me about last week when she was home alone. Apparently in the middle of one night she got up to go to the toilet. The toilet it merely two steps from her bedroom so no need for lights (although if you were to take two steps in the wrong direction you would have an free introduction to Newton's views on gravitational forces courtesy of the staircase). Anyway, she emerge from the bathroom still in 'Harry Zombie Mode' and proceed to nearly step on a cat. She screamed. (we don't have a cat).

The cat apparently looked as scared as she felt and headed down the stairs at fast as its little legs would take it. Harry went back to sleep. The next morning Harry went to investigate and found that the cat flap in our back door had lost (totally disappeared) the protect cover that was on the inside of it to stop cats coming in. Seems the cat had been using our house as its own while we were both away.

Well so far this post has been all about Harry and we can't have that so this is where I come in. I am glad I was not at home when this happened. Not because it could have been me coming out of the bathroom (I tend not to have to use the WC mid-slumber, except after heavy boozing). But rather because her scream would have woken me up. This in itself I can live with, but I would have (as the burly/only man of the house) been expected to investigate the reason for the scream. Of course my over excitable imagination would hark back to a particularly violent episode of CrimeWatch and I would instantly conclude that outside my bedroom door would be 10 terrorist in masks with big guns and they wouldn't just want to borrow a cup of sugar. Then I would make the decision that it would be best not for two of us to be brutally murdered, so I would grab my dressing gown and camera (not going to lose that again) and head out of my window and escape certain death via the kitchen roof to safety.

So if I had been at home, not only would we now be needing a new corrugated plastic roof for the kitchen but also Harry would know that I am not nearly as hard/dangerous/brave/sacrificial as I might have lead her to believe.

Shame that she reads this blog from time to time. I guess the truth had to come out some time!

A sleeping tip and ugly rumours

Firstly, I learnt a little lesson last night:

It is a bad idea to drink a litre of coke in the hope of staying awake until 4am working if you are likely to give up 15 minutes later and go to sleep. The problem is that I managed to dose off but awoke half an hour later wide eyed and ready to go. I counted a lot of sheep last night.

I would also like to take this opportunity to quash a slanderous rumour that has been doing the rounds on the internet this morning.

Contrary to popular opinion I am NOT THE FATHER OF BRITNEY'S BABY

A baby like that will cost a lot to raise and I wish to have no part in the parenting. I send Britney and hubby my best wishes.

A nocturnal visit from Kenny Craig

Had a bit of a shock this morning as I was woken by a voice. Normally this is one of two things:

- When I was still living at home and was am late for something, my Mother or Father would shout at me to wake up. Normally accompanied by them pouring cold water on my toes ("Just for fun" - their words)
- My housemates talking in the corridor about something and then giggling (Harry tends to cackle(non-evil) rather than giggle). Which disturbs my sleep.

Well this time it was neither of these things. The words I awoke to were:

"Three, Two, One. You're back in the room"

How scary is that?? Have I been under a hypnotic curse for the last 3 months. At least that would explain why I am so far behind with my dissertation.

Also:

One other thing I noticed today was that there has been a little flurry of Womble related commenting on my blog. For those of you who are not from the UK and are unaware of what type of animal a Womble is then check them out here. I think they would make a great pet. Imagine taking one to the vet. Ha Ha Ha.

'Closer'

Have just been to see the film Closer with my housemates...I thought it was brilliant.

I claimed that it was in fact closer (still a little extreme) to real life than most Hollywood takes on relationships. This has ostensibly sparked a quiet outrage amongst some of my compadres.

1) It [Closer] uses dirty words to discuss sex, Julia Robert's character comes out with a line along the following
" yes he !£$%ed me and I %%%% on his %%%$£$££ ... we did all the things people who have sex with each other do!" In most Hollywood films errr Titanic for example sex is romantacised primarily by not showing/discussing the (often gory and clinical) details.

2) If you haven't seen it I won't ruin it, but if you are someone who thinks that human interaction is portrayed perfectly in "Friends" then you are in for a shock.

I will live to regret this

Today I realised that it has been over a week since I last had a drink and over two weeks since I last paid for a drink. There are two results from this fact:

- I have achieved an unprecedented amount of work over the last week
- I am not quite as poor as I would have been.

Therefore I have made the rash decision to forfeit the all tasty beverages for the next 3 weeks until my project is finished. If I am not shaking violently by this stage I may even continue this experiment until my exams are over. Getting pissed after a break like that could be mucho fun!

Food for thought: Is alcohol the cause of all my problems?

Competition Update

Until I can think of a new competition the old one will remain open to entries. Good luck!

I have been asked to make the next one a little easier, so I will see what I can do. Maybe something other than naming? Suggestions welcome.

The French finally caved in and returned my camera. Yay!

Well the French have finally returned my camera. So I thought I would take a snap of Sally Milligan so you can all see what you have been missing! I would like to point out that the French as well as fixing my camera also seem to have fecked with all the settings so the photos are not quite brill. I will sort it out when I have time to tinker with all the settings!



I had left Sally 'Home Alone' while I was back at my parents. I was a little scared that she might dry up and die, but as you can see she thrives on loneliness (much like her keeper!), as she has flowered. This was over the Easter weekend, which explains why she is called an 'Easter Cactus'. Although how it can work out when Easter is each year is pretty impressive as even I struggle with that!

PS: On the subject of the French caving in, that reminds me of a joke my friend Mark once told me:
"How many tanks does it take to defend Paris from invasion?"
"Nobody knows, it's never been tried!"
ha ha ha!!!
PPS: NMW First Competition prizes will soon be shipped, now I have my camera back!

Su Doku: The best game ever?

If you haven't heard of Su Doku before, then shame on you. It is a simple number puzzle game. Seems boring at first, but very addictive.

I have found that The Times website are now listing the last week's Su Doku puzzles. So now even if you don't buy the paper, you have no excuse for not learning and developing a Su Doku technique.

Enjoy!

A Royal Wedding

Well, after many tribulations and delays and papal funerals it seems Charles and Camilla are finally going to tie the note. I would like to say that I wish them the best of luck, but I won't. Not because of:

- Diana
- Camilla might become queen (shock horror!)
- Any religious issues

but rather because you say good wishes to people that you like. Charles and Camilla are horrible people. They are snobs. They have no connection with the real world and as they have been surrounded by "yes men" all their lives don't realises that their views might "be wrong!". To be honest, I couldn't think of many worst people to represent our country. The only royal worth keeping is Prince Phillip and that is purely on a comedy basis. In fact he should have his own show!
Rant over.
Back to broadband in less than 3 days!

A retraction on my views about women

Last night I had to go to hospital.

1) I'm 22 and have never as an adult been treated at a hospital
2) I have been described as germophobic-hospitals are covered in germs
3) I am a hypocondriac in the sense that, like most men, the minute something is wrong with me I start telling people they can have my stereo (silly really I don't own a stereo).

Now for the women.
1) The housemate who drove me to the hospital was a woman
2) The nurse who took my blood pressure, decided it was way to high and preped me for being administered some sort of sedative was a woman
3) The friend who held my hand while the nurse was inserting some sort of needle in me and made me feel much better was a woman
4) The doctor who examined me was a woman.

3 hours later was discharged after they reassured me I was not going to bleed to death in my sleep.

The only thing my destructive male intelligence did for me that night was to work me up into a panic that was according to the nurses doing far more damage to my health than the problem I was suffering in the first place.

My knowledge of logic which I preassumed made me more intelligent conspired against me. There is nothing in me that could solve the emotional problems we face every day.
The women I know may not understand mathematics the way I do, maybe it's their intelligence that tells them that mathematics is actually not important and there are better things we can do with all our lives.

Viagra anyone?

Grrrr.

The computer I am using at the moment to connect to the internet has somehow, managed to obtain a virus. Quite impressive considering I only use it to check my email and blog once or twice a day and haven't opened any attachments for about a year!

So if you want Lesbian porn or Viagra I am the man to see, as it is popping up (sorry for the pun!) all over my desktop! Have been on a deleting spree but haven't the time to wipe it properly.

Meanwhile, I fear I may be becoming rather spherical. This always happens when I stay at my parents due to my mother’s well stocked cupboards and my perpetual boredom/coursework. I will start a 2 week diet tomorrow. I will state 'KG lost' each time I lose one, on this site!

Time we banned dial up

Today, I am blogging for the first time in a while. The reason for this is that I am still away from home and having to use my parents 'dial-up' connection. I already started to write a post on something else this morning, when my father shouted up with the rhetorical question of "Are you using the phone?".

If Einstein or Brunnel were around in the early 90's they would have looked at dial-up, tutted, and invented broadband in about a year. Then the King or Queen would announce that all dial-up would be banned in 20 days time and that every citizen had a duty to obtain broadband for the greater good of any student who may visit their house.

While I'm on the subject of computers I would like to add this little observation I made while at the shops today. I happened to be passing a bookshop so had a quick look to see if they had a book I needed on AI. I couldn't get to the "Computer Books" stand as a couple in their 50's were blocking the way. I was about to ask them to move aside when instead I decided to just stand behind them and chuckle (inwardly) at their conversation:

Lady: Oh look here, I think I have found what we are looking for.... "Window's XP for dummies".
Man: Oh, well maybe.... I think I better just check that there is nothing more suitable. That sounds a bit silly.
Lady: Oh ok dear, but I think this is the one the man recommended
Man: Ah, now this is more like it.... this one says it covers "D." "O." "S." which must be important.
Lady: But what about Windows?
Man: Oh it has that too dear; it says here it covers the newest programs to run on Windows 31 or 3.51.
Lady: um?
Man: And it's in hard back, not like that silly book you’re holding
Lady: But...
Man: No, no, no this is the one we shall get. I know, I used to use a computer at work back in the 80's
Lady: If you are sure dear.

Now, if you don't know about computers you will probably not "get" that, which no doubt means that you are cooler than me. But it does highlight an alarming point that most computer books in high street bookshops are about 5-8 years out of date and still at the same price!

My project is coming along nicely. Got to do the graphics now, this is where it all goes wrong!

The Weekend 'o' Rage

Sorry to rant in another post but I find that writing down what has upset me a very cathartic exercise.

This weekend the World has conspired to frustrate me even more...

1) On Friday night I couldn't sleep I think because I was a seething mass of maths anger. I did some sketch calculations (think counting sheep but replace 'counting' by 'differentiating' and 'sheep' by 'parallel sections of the endomorphism bundle'). I then read most of Yaan Martel's 'The Life of Pi' until some birds (of the winged variety not the cheap hoes that I live amongst) started tweeting and I realised it was morning time. The book is by the way, is a great read.
2) I decide to sleep till 10 then get up and whilst I put my porridge on, toddle to Costcutte,r my local supermarket, to buy a Saturday Times. They had 2 Independents and copious quantities of the Sun but no Times!!! Why does a supposed top ten English education institution stock the Sun and not the Times!!?.......................... So I bought a Sun anyway and spent the rest of the day giggling like a schoolgirl at page 3...which meant I got no work done.
3) Everytime one of my housemates trys to offer useful suggestions they antagonise me further. They don't understand what it is like to have lost your power of calculation! They all look upon me as this strange freak who does crosswords and puzzles, who doesn't go out, who worries over his work, who isn't prone to trivial obssession...I list now for sympathy the nicknames they have given me:
'Crackpot'
'Nutbag'
'Nerdy Newt' (this is what I accidently let slip my sister calls me so I only have myself to blame on this one)
Various mothering sorts from the girls (basically I am not respected as a man by them. I think I am viewed as a test child, I feel like they are practising their parenting skills on me.)
How are they friends if they cannot respect me?
mmm... Noel I wish I had come home to the pub with you!

Rich one day, poor the next

Somehow I have managed quite spectacularly to spend the extension which the bank gave me on my student loan already. It was supposed to last until my next government student loan payment came through. Oh well. Whoops! I found this out when I tried to get some money from the ATM to pay for the repairs to my car. Luckily the parental-co-operative-bank came to my rescue!

My life continues to be a rather boring existence, shame really as I would like to write something here to entertain you! I'm sure something exciting will happen soon. Meanwhile hopefully Darth will keep us all amused with his tales of woe.

Also the Second NMW Competition is still open. I have extended the closing date for another week. The competition will now close on the 8th April. So you have another chance to come up with some better names! Good luck!!!!!!

Oh mother I can feel the soil falling...

I am not sure the youth of today know what an all time low is. Actually to be more specific I don't think the women who I live with today, know what an all time low is.

I have been engulfed by what I call "maths-rage" for 2 days now. This is induced by the fact I can't seem to calculate-from covariant derivatives of tensor fields to today's Su Doku, I am making mistakes all over the show. What you are about to read could be a symptom.

My housemates have just been talking (LOUDLY-disturbing my maths) about how they cried their eyes out when their boyfriends left them (not split up with just left as in had to go somewhere else for a bit) on their year abroad. I know it's tough guys and gals but really, we are born alone we die alone each MAN is an island. 60 years ago when our forefathers left their loved ones for foreign soil to be shot at by Nazis...that is an all time low! Not, according to my middle class compadres, having to change a lightbulb by themselves while on a payed for gap year in Italy/France because their boyfriend had to lead his own life and return on an Easyjet flight to England.

This melodrama I believe is caused by a little known show called "Friends". People love it and for years watched the shows' protagonists obsess over such weighty issues as fashion, money, casual sex, weddings, appearence, ... The emotional lows with which so many people now identify are what my grandfather would have considered part and parcel of life.

The show has distorted everyones sense of what in life is important and what is not. I wonder how many young girls look at one of the 3 female leads as a role model. I fear more rediculous melodrama to come. I will keep you posted on the rage.

Do they have a New South Scotland in Australia?

Well, I got some good news today. I checked my work email and found an email from the technical director of our Australian sister company, Westinghouse Rail System Australia. He wanted to meet me at 9am tomorrow morning in Chippenham. I replied and suggested that instead we met somewhere in London. So I later got a phone call from somebody claiming to be Mr Traynor, but he had a deep Scottish accent, a bit strange. Anyway if he can change his travel plans tomorrow we are going to have an informal meeting at Heathrow terminal 1, in Sock Shop (the first meeting place that came to mind!). So hopefully by tomorrow evening I will be one step closer to having a new job. Woo Hoo!

Other than that my life continues to become more boring as I manage to achieve more work on my project. Car issues also means that it looks like I will be spending next week here. Deep slow breaths.....