I like driving in my car

One of things that gets on my tits more than almost anything else when I am driving is being tail gaited by tossers who have an unhealthy affection for the arse end of my car. So I was delighted the other day when I discovered a way to get these boot parasites off my case. Here follows a simple to follow set of instructions detailing how you too can implement Nurton’s Anti Wanker-mobile Strategy (NAWS) the next time you are on a motorway:

- Check that you are driving on a nice summer’s evening
- Ensure that the target automobile has a sun roof which is in the OPEN position
- Make sure that the car you are driving has ineffective windscreen washer jets that squirt more water over the roof of your car than at the windscreen itself
- Be sure to buy Halford’s budget screen-wash (£5 for 5 litres!) which due to it’s cheapo ingredients smells worse than Darth’s bathroom the morning after ‘curry night’
- Wait for ‘twat man’ to get particularly close to your car’s rear bumper and check that you are travelling at exactly 79.5mph
- Make sure you close your own sun roof and all car windows
- FIRE! [aka Operate the windscreen washer (normally the RH stalk on the steering column)]
- Watch in your rear-view mirror as twat man’s blonde girlfriend gets covered in smelly screen wash and proceeds to start beating twat man in a blind rage that her bleached hair has been soiled
- Enjoy!