I found the solution to all Colin's problems.

Today I was checking out this page on my blog to look at some comments people had left for me. There are Google adverts on the right of the page which Google automatically generate based on the content of the page. One of the adverts was a link to this website. Looks like you can hire your own private air ambulance. They would probably take advanced bookings, so Colin could reserve a trip at the beginning of the night and they would pick him up at a predetermined time and place. It would be perfect as it would mean that neither his Mother nor any friends with blogs would ever find out about it. Perfect!