The comings and goings of this soon to be famous, secretly intelligent, horrifically lazy, 26.11 year old from Surrey, then Bath, later Sydney, now Auckland
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Stating the obvious
Found this above toilet bowl in downstairs flat at our house, which plumber had started to fix but decided to leave for a few days....
My first response to this graffiti on the wall was "No Shit!", and only after did I realise the irony of my comment!
Second most active volcano in the world. Me in helicopter above it. 3rd Lion Witch and Wardrobe movie filmed on same crater ring as we walked on. That just didn't happen in Surrey.
Am I the only person who has found in the last year that of the learned "interesting facts" I tell people, people correct me more on the ones from QI than the ones I have picked up from Wikipedia?
Is this because Wikipedia is getting better (I never found it that bad to be honest) or that in some kind of bizare BBC cost cutting measure, Alan Davis now also has to perform the role of researcher as well as panelist?
2010 - The year I will actually achieve my new year's goals!
This year I will:
- Lose 40kg (it is possible!) - Work my butt off until I deliver my project for work on time (Nov 2010). - Get a regular hobby which isn't my job - Tidy my office at home (its a mess already!) - Go Skiing - Buy a BMW M5
Whenever we have moved house in the past our cats (Mousie and Ratty) have always been completely traumatised by the whole event, which results in them:
a) hiding for at least 2 weeks b) not speaking to us c) barely eating d) trying as much as they can without the use of the English language to convince us to move back to the old house.
Of course, their trip from Sydney to Auckland on one of Qantas' brand new 737-800's was by far the scariest thing they have ever done, but they survived - just. We picked them up from the airport 2 hours after arriving and took them straight to our temporary Viaduct Harbour accommodation where we would be staying for the next 5 weeks. This was a one bedroom flat on the 5th floor which both confused them in a "where the fuck does that massive corridor go" way and why can I look down on EVERYTHING. However they were a bit strange but mostly their normal selves.
Anyway, getting to my point, when we arrived in our new house 5 weeks later on Auckland's north shore, we unpacked and then brought the cats across. The same day they were sleeping on their old (trusty) couch in the new living room without a worry in the world. It seems that the horror of:
a) flying in the belly of an aeroplane, and b) thinking they would have to spend the rest of their lives in a one bedroom box with no outdoor adventures
meant that when they were reunited with a big house contain all their old possessions, they realised that they were "home" again and instantly relaxed.
Amazing (also amazing that I have written a soppy blog post about cats!)
Sorry I have been a total lazy arse when it comes to updating you. This is mainly caused by me being a lazy arse. I will do better in future..... hopefully.
Meanwhile here is a picture to keep you going. In shot are:
- Nurton - The Auckland Harbour Bridge (a poor rip-off of the Sydney one) - Birkenhead Ferry Wharf (where I catch my boat to work everyday) - My blackberry (not yet addicted).
Hello dear readers.... I doubt I have any left now, but you never know.
Anyway, heaps has happened since I last updated in April 2007, including something involving a huge diamond ring and a wedding in January 2009. But that's enough excitement for now.... lets get down to the nitty-gritty - this boy needs some rules for 2008 and here is the traditional place to list them:
1.) I will not eat more than one take away or 'restaurant' meal in any 7 day period. 2.) I will fail to blog less than once per week for every week from today this year. 3.) I will attend the gym less than twice per week, every week from this day on. 4.) I will be ready to get married by December 2008. 5.) I will take Vanessa to Europe once this year. 6.) I will cycle to work at least once per fortnight. 7.) I will be a better friend. 8.) I will keep my desk tidy at home and work. 9.) I will not eat any fast food or snack from the "sweetie box" at work. 10.) I will read more books.
Lets see how many I manage this year. Last year I think I managed NONE!
Right then, I've decided that I must educate the rest of you in the wonder that is Peep Show. They have just entered the 4th season this last week and of course somebody has been kind enough to put it up on Youtube... so until it gets taken down... make sweet laughter hay:-
What a superb episode! Reminds me of being back in my old Surrey manor. Which incidentally is where I am off to today (fly out of Madrid for Heathrow in 4 hours!)...
What was the best quote from this episode?... it has to be:
"I'm a mummy fu*ker.... that's literally what I am." Class!
PS: It is very annoying that while I am in Madrid, Blogger insists on changing all my language settings to Spanish. The phrase, "too clever for its own good" comes to mind! Bloody AI!
Two very scary things happened to me last week. I'll leave you to guess which scared me more:-
1) On Monday evening I was doing some mandatory* housemate maintenance with Jo as “we” had agreed I would buy Pizza and then we would pig out and watch TV. This was my punishment for forgetting the previous Monday that I had agreed to the same thing (but with us sharing the cost of the Pizza). Ness is to blame for my forgetful state, but that is another story.
So off we drove in Marvin half way to Chatswood in search of the Pizza shop. After locating said Pizza depository we toddled back out to the car (which was parked under a tree!) climbed in, I buckled up, then Jo passed me the Pizza and then balanced some other crap on top of the box. Then just as she started to put her seat belt on she screamed and grabbed my arm. Before I had time to rebuke her, I saw what the problem was, next to her on the passenger side window, inside Marvin was Australia's largest spider. Was at least the size of my hand (well nearly). Suffice to say it was at least 300% bigger than any spider I have ever seen in real life before.
I, of course, was paralysed with fear, and at the same time quietly thanking God that it was on Jo's side of the car not mine and screaming a lot. Quick as a flash in one smooth motion Jo reached down, pulled off her laced up shoe and nearly hit the spider straight on. Unfortunately, of course, she missed and the little death bug scuttled over at the speed of light and nested itself just above the steering wheel. By this stage I was really freaking out. I had even stopped screaming. As I sat there, trapped and paralysed by fear, Jo kindly hit me and said "do something you idiot", so I replied "what?!". "Open the window and push it out with the shoe"..... well much to my amazement it worked.
Spider safely on the outside of the car we set off home and as I accelerated past a heady 40kph the little scamp went flying up and over the windscreen. Good riddens.
10 minutes later we were arriving back into our complex and I joked to Jo that it was probably still on the outside of the car wait for us to emerge so it could finish us off. So when as I reversed back into our house and Jo screamed, and grabbed my arm and said the spider was on her window, I laughed and said I wasn't that stupid. Of course you all know that actually I am that stupid and indeed the huge beast was there sitting on the outside of her window, fangs dripping with venom, knowing that one pizza would mean that we would only be able to last a maximum of 2 hours in the car before we would be forced to escape in search of more food. 5 minutes later when we lost sight of the spider we made a dash for it. To this day I still have no idea where it went. It is probably still in my car. Now, every time I drive with thongs on I am secretly terrified, the knowledge that there is a "killer" [Note: I later discovered from Jo that it was a Huntsman spiders, well most probably] in my car makes me very nervous.
2.) I came within 12 inches of being killed by a f***ing stupid idi*t mot(*er Fu*c^eR car driver. When you are doing 40kph downhill on a straight clear road with literally no obstructions, parked cars or even shadows and you are wearing your bright green (really bright - day glow) top and a car coming the other wise decides to turn right in front of you at 50kph because they are focused on the car 100m behind you and trying to nip in front of you..... you come the closest you have ever to crapping yourself. A closing speed of 90kph is scary. Very. I have never thought I was going to die until that moment. It was bloody scary. Just managed to stay upright as I skidded and swerved around the bonnet of the offending car as it finally saw me and threw on the anchors. Of course I was too British to go back and kill or seriously maim the driver, but with the benefit of hindsight I now know that was a mistake. Suffice to say it shook me up for the rest of the day much more than I let on at the time. I've actually already been hit by a car on the roads here, but at least that time it was 10% my fault, as I happened to look down just as the car in front hit the brakes big time, but this time I swear on my next door neighbour's cat's life that it was 100% not my fault.... and you know what that means.... delayed rage!
Obviously what with Now magazine and other top gossip mags reporting on apparent events in my life I feel it is time I set the record straight.
Yes, one* of the rumours is true, I've gone and obtained myself a real life Aussie girlfriend. How exciting is that? Unbelievably (and I've already demonstrated how shallow I am by explaining this to her) she meets every one of my perfect girlfriend requirements:-
1.) Must be exceedingly** beautiful 2.) Must have been on the cast of Neighbours 3.) Must be exceedingly** sexy
OK, so she doesn't quite meet number 2 but she comes damn close as she is good friends with the Actor who used to place Mal (Susan and Karl's son). But to be honest all I ever wanted to achieve with requirement number 2 was to meet somebody who could give me "an in" with the production crew so I could show them some of my future script ideas and I think being introduced to an old star of the show could just be the subtle approach I need.
Oh and as well as meeting my three requirements, Vanessa has also got a lovely personality so I guess that's a little advantage too! She also unexplainably seems to like me too, which now I think about it is quite a bonus!
But don't worry dear readers I will ensure this new lady in my life will not stop me from blogging. In fact Vanessa is actually already a big fan of NMW, and I quote; "I really like reading your blog", so this must mean we are well suited as every other friend of mine who has ever read this blog has normally described it as a crock of shit.
Also as Bandick has already pointed out I will indeed loose all my readers if this becomes a ‘relationship’ blog, so therefore I promise normal service will be resumed from now on, but at least now you will all know who I am talking about when I refer to the mystery Vanessa.
Note: I am a little worried that my posh Prince William accent I am putting on to woo her might slip soon. Will she reject me the?... For sure, I think the answer is yes. Must get back to practising being English in front of the mirror!
* The other rumours are certainly not true! ** Does this make her sounds like a Mr Kipling cake!? I hope not, she is far classier!
Two weekends ago I went on holiday. It was only a little (by Australian standards) road trip, but it was my first foray into the excitement of annual leave since starting my new job.
So bright and early at 7am on a Thursday morning I fired up Marvin and headed up to the Servo to fill him up with Super Unleaded Petrol (he is on a strict but expensive diet), oil, windscreen washer and Pringles. This in theory would get me to Canberra. It worked, by 9:30 I was in Capital city and ready to view the infamous War Museum. Unfortunately two things stood in my way, one; where the hell is the war museum? and two; said war museum only opens at 10am. Eventually after a high intensity cross examination of the tourist office staff I discovered that it was actually known as the war memorial (despite clearly being a museum not just a little statue!). After a quick walk up and down the impressive drive (see picture below) which took a little while as it is considerably longer than it looks it was 10:15 and I could enter the museum. It was very informative and very interesting, it’s hard to understand how any government could decide to send their country to war if they were made to visit places like this on a regular basis. Oh dear, just read that last bit back and I sound like a hippy. Gonzo will be very disappointed in me! Sorry! War mongering Nurton will be back shortly!
Canberra, looking away from the War Memorial.
Anyway, I can now report that Canberra was the only place that I have ever visited that was EXACTLY as I imagined it from how people had described it to me previously. From reading that statement you are right in assuming that that means it's a bit boring! Very quiet.
Anyway, another 800km later I rolled into Melbourne and successfully navigated single handed to Tony and Pauline's house, who once again were very kindly parenting me for the weekend.
Earlier in the week I happened to mention my planned GP trip to one of the principals testers in the office at work. He said that he was also going on the Sunday only with his Girlfriend, he then VERY kindly offered me his two grandstand tickets which were also valid for the Friday and Saturday. Of course I snapped up the offer and subsequently spent the rest of the weekend worried sick that I would lose his beloved (and rather expensive) tickets before I gave them back to him for Sunday! So anyway, Grandstand tickets in hand I met up with my boss (who works at the Melbourne office) and did some serious boss maintenance (read brown nosing!) and we spent Friday in the Schumacher stand watching the practice sessions and the other various events. Best of all was the speed comparison where they set off a BMW 320i road car then 40 secs later a V8 super car then 40 seconds later a BMW Sauber F1 car.... of course the idea is that they all finish at the same time, which means that being sat on the final corner in the stands is pretty damn awesome.
No only do you get a great view of the cars from the stand but also a huge big screen TV showing you the TV coverage.
A Renault F1 car passes under our noses. The noise is just incredible.
Onto the main straight.
V8 Utes. What a silly sport... huge engines, rear wheel drive, no weight over the rear end....a recipe for trouble/fun! Can you imagine what life would be like if they sold V8 utes in Milton Keynes, what with all those rain soaked roundabouts...
The atmosphere at the event was superb. Everything about it was great, including the food (lots of Bratwurst hot dogs!) and the musical entertainment. Pictured above is an Ozzie band called Wolfmother. My housemate Jo is a big fan so I thought I should take a photo to make her jealous. Note the Finnish Wolfmother fans with their flags. I have never seen a real life Finnish person before I came to the Grand Prix. Now I have seen thousand, I think they much just all spend their lives following the GP around!
On Saturday I took Pauline and Tony along with me (again using Jason's tickets to get them general admission). Pauline is a massive F1 fan but had never been to a race before, so she was absolutely stoked by the day. Tony, of course, was being grumpy about the idea of wasting a day looking at cars but was (I think) pleasantly surprised and particularly like the aerial flyover by the Aussie version of the red arrows and then a RAAF F/A-18 jet. See photo below. Above is a video that I took while we watch the Saturday qualifying. The noise of the cars breaking from 300kph+ to nearly a stop is something I will never forget, there is a lot more back firing than you can hear on the TV. Hearing the shear volume and the seeing the amazing deceleration of these cars is reason to come in itself.
A RAAF Hornet which did an amazing display of tight turns over the circuit before doing the best end I have ever seen at an air show, it just went vertical over the crowd and went straight up in the air so far that it was invisible.... now that's a cool job.
Of course by the Sunday (race day) I had given my extra tickets back to Jason, so I was just on my cheapo general admissions ticket. No problem though as once again the internet came to my rescue. About a week previously to this trip I discovered a website called Facebook which is like a cross between MySpace and friends re-united but all free without any crappy ads and good privacy. Anyway, turns out half of the people I went to school with are also registered and low and behold two of them are currently in Australia as well. So being brave I got in contact with Ed, my old GCSE geography desk buddy and extracted his Aussie mobile number. One short call and I had established that as part of his round the world hippy travelling he was currently working for an events company and his next gig was the GP. Super, so we arranged to meet up in Melbourne at the track. Above is a picture of the two of us. Note unbelievably that Ed is not burnt despite his pale skin and the incredibly strong sun shine we had that weekend. I guess he's just spent too long on too many beaches around South-East Asia that his body now thinks this amount of UV is normal! The important thing to note about this photo is the official event staff pass that I have around my neck. This was Ed's reunion present to me, which he had "obtained" earlier in the day just for me. So thank you Ed, was super cool to feel important and know I could (in theory) go anywhere including the Pit Straight grand stands.
This final picture shows me trying to find a spot amongst the massive crowds to watch the race. I did briefly use Ed’s pass to gain access to one of the stands but it was so busy and I felt very guilty (and naughty) so I settled for watching from a grassy hill. Note bad at all although in all honesty I think watching the race is probably better done on the TV at home. But I would recommend the experience to anybody, the sound and speed of the cars is totally unbelievable. The best mix I think is to come on Friday and Saturday when the crowds are small and the tickets cheap, and get close to the cars. The race would only be really worth it if you had a big group of mates, staked out your viewing spot early and got on the cans as early as possible.
Also the drive…. Would I do it again? Yes, it was not as bad as 2000km sounds, although you really do have to stick to the silly 110kph speed limit as the cops like to hide their V8 patrol cars in every other hedge (I saw 6 over the weekend alone). Would be very pleasant if you had somebody to share the driving with.
Right then this post is now at 1500 words, far too long I know, but hopefully it goes a least some way to plugging my bloging gap.
When I was a university final year student in the ever more tedious task of finding distractions from essays and other coursework I decided to write a blog. Kept me off the streets and therefore out of burberry. Now I am a professional I still need a distraction from time to time.
